From BIUL III.
Category Archives: Girls of BIUL
Phuck Phones
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Filed under Bad Influences, Comix Classic & Current, Don't Know Don't Care, Faint Signals, Girls of BIUL, Idiot's Delight, Worst Of All
What You Need To Hear
I need to do my job as a website manager and give you something you need, that you didn’t know you did. Don’t get spoiled, this won’t happen very often. But if I’m hurting, which I am now more than ever, it means that the rest of the world is hurting even more.
So here’s what you need.
If it’s safe for space, it’s SFW.
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Filed under Girls of BIUL, Site Stuff, Uncategorized
The 40-Year-Old Version
Everything used to be way better. I found evidence.
A DOLLAR FIFTY!!!
It was at a yard sale for two dollars, and it’s actual proof, unlike my hazy memories. A motherfucking forty-year-old issue of Playboy.
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Filed under Bad Influences, Faint Signals, Girls of BIUL, Late To The Party, Magazine Rack, Nostalgic Obsessions
Hold Me And Cough
Okay, tell me I’m crazy. On Fleetwood Mac’s 1982 single “Hold Me”, immediately after the third “hold” in the chorus, there’s a cough, right? I haven’t been hearing things for 35 years, right? Right?!?
https://youtu.be/wWdgTraidlU
I hear it every time the chorus plays. “Hold me, hold me, hold- (cough) -ME-eee.” If it’s not a cough, what the fuck is it? A sneeze? A blob of mustard from a 3M employee’s sandwich? What???
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Filed under Don't Know Don't Care, Faint Signals, Girls of BIUL, Nostalgic Obsessions, Thousand Listen Club
The 5 Greatest Television Show Themes
Do you know what a “cold open” is? Sure you do. Every current sitcom you watch uses it. It’s when the show just begins, no fanfare, no opening titles. Right into the action, because the producers know you’ll change the channel if you have to sit through 30 seconds of the same music every week.
Congrats! You’ve done exactly what was expected of you, and nothing more.
“Cold opens” are like “cold sores”. They spread easily. Saturday Night Live has done cold opens since before you were born. You’re used to it in sitcoms. Hell, you were getting tired of the “typical sitcom theme”, anyway.
That’s why they suck now.
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Filed under Faint Signals, Girls of BIUL, Nostalgic Obsessions, Thousand Listen Club
PaRappa the Crapper
Long ago, in the Before Times, I was dating a woman with a very young daughter. I had not yet gelled as an artistic entity, and was in the process of learning that I’m really not cut out to be a father, even a surrogate one. This became apparent on two occasions. Both were attempts on my part to make a connection with a kid. Both failed hilariously.
The first was the purchase of a “children’s book”. I spent hours at Books-A-Million (down the block from Media Play) hunting for just the right one. It had to be colorful, clever, and not condescending. I refused to buy anything “kiddie”, on principle. It had to be something that enticed, thrilled, and sparked the imagination, like the books I read in my grade school library.
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Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Faint Signals, Girls of BIUL, Idiot's Delight, Nostalgic Obsessions, Robot Toy Fetish, Thousand Listen Club
The Face of Kellyanne
Last year, all I wanted to do was crack jokes about Hillary Clinton’s ever-smug face. Her daughter Chelsea, too. Throw in that awful Debbie Wasserman Shultz, and you’ve got a trifecta of ghoulish visages I was literally salivating to goof on. Caricature unflatteringly, at the least.
And I didn’t.
I didn’t make fun of the women at the Trump rally, either. I couldn’t; they were all attractive, and could possibly have shamed me as a man.
While the entire media industry decided to make fun of Donald Trump’s face, like a bus full of second-graders, I didn’t stoop to their level. And oh, they had a field day. They’re still doodling him as an anus, or a Cheeto. I’ve seen that illustration of Trump as a shit-spattered baby so many times I could forge it from memory.
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Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Girls of BIUL, Idiot's Delight, Worst Of All
Valentine’s Vern
My dwarf hamster Vern (aka Vernal Squeequinox) has a Valentine just for you!
You might notice that Wheeljack makes an unscheduled cameo, and that my camera is busted (hence the cinéma vérité/shaky camera effect). Cheerios are like crack to Vern.
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Filed under Eatable Things, Girls of BIUL, Great Hamsters I Have Known
“Mercy”
From BIUL III.
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Filed under Bad Influences, Comix Classic & Current, Girls of BIUL, Magazine Rack, Nostalgic Obsessions
Nothing That Hovers Is Good
A mere two years back, the new and hip way to get around was on a hoverboard. The word was first popularized in 1989, in the time-travel comedy Back To The Future II. Coincidentally, the segments of the film that took place in 2015 featured a “hoverboard” (from Mattel).
I dunno, the kids’ outfits are fairly accurate.
Rumors persisted for decades that Mattel actually produced a real hoverboard, for use on-screen, but parents’ groups kept it off the shelves. The truth is that the technology as depicted does not exist and never has, unless it’s among Tesla’s experiments. The fated hoverboard of 2015 was actually a board with wheels. It did not hover. Or work very well.
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Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Girls of BIUL, Worst Of All
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