The closest you can get to “a good Hole song” is the following. If there exists a female voice that science could prove is subconscious torture to heterosexual men, it would be Courtney Love’s.

Apologies for subjecting you to that video, the song is the point, and if I embed the official one it doesn’t get taken down. At least Melissa Auf Der Maur got some well-deserved recognition later on, and not just for her fantabulous name.

For whatever reason, folks like to argue with me on my stance regarding Ms. Love, so here’s a few things to bear in mind.

1. During an interview with Vanity Fair, Courtney Love’s baby daughter picked and ate a booger, prompting the young riot-mothrrr to deliver a brief aside about how allowing such an act teaches empowerment, and not a booger-eating habit.
2. After Mrs. Love-Cobain had her obvious breast implants removed, she left them lying around the house, so that her dog could nearly die after consuming one.
3. Frances Bean, not a Harry Potter character but the aforementioned daughter of Ms. Love and shotgun kisser Kurt Cobain, filed for emancipation and got the hell outta there as soon as was legally possible.
4. Some unwashed hippie assholes named Courtney after a corny play on words, so her cuckoo ticket was punched almost from birth.

Think how this whole tale would have played out without a decade of intense media scrutiny. Ms. Love’s roles in The People vs. Larry Flynt and Man In The Moon would surely stand out as something other than flukes. Listeners might not be as hasty to suspect her husband’s influence in her music. I certainly wouldn’t know enough gross stuff about the woman to be nauseated merely at the thought of her.

Eh, she’d probably still be an atrocious sickie.

Perhaps it’s fitting that in radio (at least in the classic Opie & Anthony nebula), “hole” means the one on the air who contributes nothing, and actually takes away from the good times by acting like a scold. It’s usually a woman (it’s a fine line, paying a woman to talk), but it can be a male wet blanket too. Courtney Love once said that the band’s name came from something her mother said: every woman has a hole within herself.

There you have it. The pitfalls of identifying with a hole.

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