King’s X

You want ’90s? I’ll give you motherfuckers ’90s!

Can you imagine being so astronomically naive that you think the Captain Marvel soundtrack represents anything but a naked cash grab? Can you imagine being vocationally attached to that movie, and having to pretend that the songs included on that soundtrack aren’t songs everyone was sick of ten years ago? Some of which weren’t even out when the movie takes place?

This songs were included because Disney is their label’s parent company, and don’t kid yourself. Don’t waste everyone’s time running your mouth about the latest corporate capeshit punch-porn, either. Do you bitch about corporations owning and controlling everything, while simultaneously raving about the latest “Star Wars” or Marvel movie? Then you’re an asshole. You make those shitty corporations richer, and what’s worse, you step over the real artists in your community to hand your money to the Mouse.

I’ve been writing about 1990s music since the 1990s. Pardon me if I call bullshit on a bullshit movie, and I ignore the opinions of people born this century about it. I’ve seen enough fucking long-underwear movies at this point. Any illusions I had about their artiness are wholly obliterated. I’ve lived to see Watchmen, the high watermark of the graphic novel medium, become a bloated, wrong-headed mess of a film, and another franchise poisoned by political correctness and phony aspirations of “social justice”.

I’m gonna pull rank here; I produced a superhero movie a decade ago. I know more than a thing or two about the cape-and-cowl comic book industry. If you think it matters that you like a Marvel movie, you’re out of your tiny mind.

One of the songs used in Captain Marvel is “I’m Just A Girl”, by No Doubt. That’s how fucking stupid these people think you are. Actual No Doubt fans, if they existed, would call that song an awful piece of shit. Using it in a fight scene with your SO BADASS female superhero is the kind of thing spiteful assholes do. It proves they don’t enjoy what they’re doing, they don’t understand why anyone would enjoy it, and deep down, they don’t want anyone else to enjoy it.

I know, I know, it’s a “good movie”, right? That’s why Rotten Tomatoes had to be bought and restructured to protect it, right? From “trolls”, and not bad word-of-mouth? Sure.

Say what you will about the Transformers movies; they’ve reused the “girl mechanic” trope at least five times in the past twelve years, but nobody got sick of it because they didn’t beat us over the head with it. If you’re gonna grouse at me about how females are so under-represented, tell me this: what was the name of the female lead in Bumblebee? Which Coen Bros. movie was her big break?

She didn’t insult or demean anybody while promoting her film, so you might not remember her over Brie Larson. See how that works?

Did you see how hard the makers of Bumblebee tried to please both fans of the 1980s cartoon and the Michael Bay movies? Because they tried pretty freakin’ hard. Why do you think I’m even talking about it here?

Yes, there are 1980s songs in Bumblebee. The difference is the cynicism in the creation of the movie. Captain Marvel was made because “Marvel” is in the name, Stan Lee died badly, and Sony has Spider-Man. Marvel has no solid icon. Time to force one, now that “Star Wars” is dead. Come on, you know it’s true. Disney’s new theme park has the same name as a Samsung phone. They don’t give a fuck.

King’s X cut albums with Megaforce, Atlantic, and Metal Blade. Those are good record labels. That’s why the artists on those labels don’t get their songs in mega-budget Disney turkeys; the labels aren’t owned by Disney.

If my loathing of Disney alarms you, and it will, just take a moment and think about all the things Disney doesn’t own. Think about how those things are crowded out of the marketplace, without fail, by Disney. Think about how those things are marketed to you, without the saturation-bombing methods that Disney employs. Think about how seldom you see or hear those things.

If they aren’t things you care about or like, none of this will even matter.