Valentine’s Vern

My dwarf hamster Vern (aka Vernal Squeequinox) has a Valentine just for you!

You might notice that Wheeljack makes an unscheduled cameo, and that my camera is busted (hence the cinéma vérité/shaky camera effect). Cheerios are like crack to Vern.

I don’t mean to imply that Vern is a crackhead. His butt is the essence of Valentine’s Day. It even looks like a heart (or a V). I really should have filmed this video with the camera on the other side of my phone. Hopefully the shaking doesn’t bug you. Just pretend it’s a short film by David Lynch. There is no hot lesbian scene, however.

Just HOT NARFING.

Vern dabbles in performance art, in the form of interpretive dance. Note I said dabbles– somebody didn’t have their routine worked out in time for the big day. Vern was distracted building an elaborate network of tunnels under his bedding. The last time I cleaned out his habitat, I found a crumpled-up little blueprint for some kind of rudimentary particle collider. Vern is a quiet tenant, so I just look the other way.

He gets extremely aggressive if I poke around his stuff; before I learned to mind my own business, my index finger was riddled with Vern-bites. He’ll storm out of his hiding place like hey what what WHAT?? A micro-bulldog. He has a wicked stripe on his back of which he is completely unaware.

Vern butt. His tail is invisible to the naked eye.

On rare, embarrassing occasions, I spontaneously sing to Vern. It’s a 15-word hymn first heard in the mid-1990s, on Beast Wars. 

There he is my little guy.
There he is;
My little guy.

Isn’t he cute. 

Vern is “straight edge”, so I don’t reveal that when my friend and I saw this while stoned in ’99, we nearly laughed ourselves to death. Rattrap’s delivery of “That’s not what I wanted to hear” is a perfect punchline. Seriously, Beast Wars was a hell of a show. Sometimes, if you were high enough, the frigging robots looked real. The shiny textures were very appealing, visually.

Here’s a song Vern likes, can you believe it?

He can’t even eat most of that stuff! Let alone put it in his pants!

He can’t eat chocolate either, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be. On February 15th, when it’s on sale, and I can buy a big sickening pile of it for next to nothing.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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