Phuck Phones


If you believe that any part of this comic strip is “sexist”, YOU NEED TO GET OFF THE PHONE, LADY.

Face it. Guys don’t stay on the phone anywhere near as long. Guys don’t call each other if they have nothing to talk about. Guys say things like “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU CALL ME FOR, ASSHOLE?” I have several guy friends who will simply hang up if you can’t make your point in a timely manner.

Do you have chronic zits on the side of your face? It’s because you’re on the phone too much. It’s the only reason you’ll ever get zits inside your ear. Your headphones have to be totally filthy to cause that. You got blackheads in your ear canal? GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!

Comedians used to wish brain cancer on yuppies who talked on their cell phones all the time. There were rumors cell phones caused cancer. That all went away once phone companies started employing teenage dullards to hawk their wares, just like McDonalds did, before they replaced them with automated kiosks that won’t demand a higher wage. There are teeming masses of unskilled shitheads that still have to make money and live. God forbid we teach them something worthwhile in school. Better to just file them away in dead-end jobs where their ignorance and bad attitudes are an asset. Phone companies last forever, right?

Paulie Cicero was played by Paul Sorvino in the Scorcese masterwork Goodfellas. Ray Liotta’s narration states plainly, “Paulie hated phones. He wouldn’t have one in his home,” and then details the crazy workaround required to communicate with Paulie. That’s the way it should be. Hey, guess what: communicating with other people over distance should not be easy and convenient, unless one party is clinging to life. Think about it. No one should have the power to interrupt you at any given time. I used to scream and freak out when the phone rang. It’s like a sudden rape, or a raid. Fuck that shit.

Now I gotta turn my back on ya.

No one on our planet looks at another human and finds them appealing while they’re on the phone. It’s manufactured distance. Forced convenience. Communication cancer. An electronic despoiler of youth.

Hang it up.

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