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The Loudness War

From 1992 to 1995, I worked in the music store on the upper level of the Savannah Mall. Disc Jockey was the other music store, on the lower level and the opposite end. Our respective locations affected our clientele; we were next to the upscale department store, and they were next to the parking lot.

Of course there was a rivalry.

Despite what you might think, it was friendly. We all ate in the same food court, and used the same deposit chute. If a customer stumped our staff, we’d begrudgingly call downstairs and ask their staff. Sometimes one store knew something the other didn’t. Upcoming trends in music, promotions, closings, and firings within the busy mall.

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Filed under Bad Influences, Faint Signals, Idiot's Delight, Thousand Listen Club, Worst Of All

The Face of Kellyanne

Last year, all I wanted to do was crack jokes about Hillary Clinton’s ever-smug face. Her daughter Chelsea, too. Throw in that awful Debbie Wasserman Shultz, and you’ve got a trifecta of ghoulish visages I was literally salivating to goof on. Caricature unflatteringly, at the least.

And I didn’t.

I didn’t make fun of the women at the Trump rally, either. I couldn’t; they were all attractive, and could possibly have shamed me as a man.

While the entire media industry decided to make fun of Donald Trump’s face, like a bus full of second-graders, I didn’t stoop to their level. And oh, they had a field day. They’re still doodling him as an anus, or a Cheeto. I’ve seen that illustration of Trump as a shit-spattered baby so many times I could forge it from memory.

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Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Girls of BIUL, Idiot's Delight, Worst Of All

A Toast To Absent Friends

Imagine if legendary and revered comedian Bill Hicks hadn’t died in 1994.

Some people believe Alex Jones is really Bill Hicks. I am not among them.

What if- just hear me out- he supported Trump in 2016? How would that make you feel about him? What if he’d gone “right-wing”, pre- or post-9/11? Would he still be referenced in Tool songs?

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Filed under Bad Influences, Faint Signals, Idiot's Delight, Nostalgic Obsessions

Dear Bubble People

Wanna make sure I never watch your movie or show?

Title it “Dear White People”. 

Scrub away guilt!

I won’t touch it. I don’t respond well to condescension. I could contract full-blown AIDS, “Dear White People” could have the cure, and I’d die happily, blissfully ignorant, broth bowl in hand, tumbling to the linoleum with a smile.

Any white person who would willfully watch something titled “Dear White People” is fearful of people who aren’t white. Period.

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Pet Ophelia

WARNING! WARNING! WEIRD AREA AHEAD!

The closest I ever got to molested was when I was eighteen.

(Art: Dave Gibbons)

I was walking to Fair Lawn late at night, to cause trouble. I was thinking about Rorschach, the masked psychopath from Watchmen. An overweight creep with glasses stuck a tiny knife in my back, herded me behind a border of hedges, and tried to force me down on the ground.

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Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Faint Signals, Worst Of All

Sponge

Oh boy, it’s “Song”, from “Band”! How exciting!

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Filed under Don't Know Don't Care, Eatable Things, Faint Signals, Idiot's Delight, Nostalgic Obsessions

The Commoditization of Emotional Discovery

Feel like crying?

There’s an entire genre of movies, TV shows and music, explicitly designed to mollify you in your time of emotional distress. Plus, there’s a contrived ending that tells you everything’s okay. Or not. It’s basically sadness porn, after all.

Feel like laughing? Same deal. Entire blocks of television programming are devoted to laughter, loaded with disparate commercials for unhealthy items and services. You can “binge-watch” every stand-up special a comedian has produced, and then argue about a decrease in their edge, on the Internet. Isn’t that fantastic?

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Filed under Don't Know Don't Care, Eatable Things, Idiot's Delight, Nostalgic Obsessions, Robot Toy Fetish, Uncategorized, Worst Of All

Nothing That Hovers Is Good

A mere two years back, the new and hip way to get around was on a hoverboard. The word was first popularized in 1989, in the time-travel comedy Back To The Future II. Coincidentally, the segments of the film that took place in 2015 featured a “hoverboard” (from Mattel).

I dunno, the kids’ outfits are fairly accurate.

Rumors persisted for decades that Mattel actually produced a real hoverboard, for use on-screen, but parents’ groups kept it off the shelves. The truth is that the technology as depicted does not exist and never has, unless it’s among Tesla’s experiments. The fated hoverboard of 2015 was actually a board with wheels. It did not hover. Or work very well.

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Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Girls of BIUL, Worst Of All

Tales From Salted Earth

Gather ’round, children. Don’t you wonder why we live in the cold and poisoned world that we do? Looking back, around a decade ago, everything got too salty. 

We used to come home from work and watch TV, enjoying longtime creature comforts. Television shows were devoted to entertaining us, with characters we could identify with. That’s how it was in the 1990s.

The troubles began with Friends.

Future historians will note this couch as the Beginning Of The End.

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A Year In Review

Let’s take a look back at 2016. Not in anger. In relief, that it’s done. I beg you all not to tempt fate as far as 2017 is concerned. Spoiler alert: more death.

Get down with your bad self!

2016 reeked so badly that even the lead singer of Motorhead wouldn’t go near it. 2015 was no plum, either, as it became obvious we were living in the alternate timeline from Back To The Future II. 2016 was worse. Continue reading →

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Filed under Comix Classic & Current, Girls of BIUL, Idiot's Delight, Late To The Party, Nostalgic Obsessions, Site Stuff, Uncategorized