Tag Archives: sellouts

“Dental Hygiene Dilemma”

Thanks to the generous social programs in my fair city, I recently got my teeth fixed, ending over a decade of busted-molar jokes and references in my work. In essence, I no longer feel like I have a mouthful of bloody razors. Once everything healed up, I couldn’t believe how much better I felt overall. Not that I consider myself a lion, but I couldn’t keep from thinking of that old fable with the thorn in the paw. Now I can chew food with my entire mouth, instead of just a small section, gingerly. It’s the little things in life.

If your teeth don’t hurt, or you have easy access to a dentist, thank your lucky stars. I’ll let you in on a little secret; us artists are merely holding on to whatever choppers we can before we croak. There is no “insurance” or “healthcare” for us; it does not exist. These are the breaks. If you want security, you go into insurance. Not drawing cartoons.

Wanna watch a dental hygiene movie?

Wanna watch a dental hygiene movie?

Unless, you know, you sell out, to a company. Continue reading

Comments Off on “Dental Hygiene Dilemma”

Filed under Bad Influences, Eatable Things, Faint Signals, Movies You Missed, Saturday Movie Matinee, Thousand Listen Club, Zappalogy

A Fart In The Face

Earlier this year I crossed a boundary with the dog.

A different dog.

This is a different dog.

I’d eaten some godawful fried thing or another, and feeling a buildup of gas, I leaped over to the dog, crouched directly above his face, and knocked a king-size fart across his nose.

Triumphant, I turned to face the dog, expecting adoration for this generous gastric flotilla. Instead, the dog regarded me with a reproachful look, the kind I expect people receive when they jiggle their comatose grandmother’s breast for a family photo.

“What’s the matter?” I asked the dog in plain English, as though he would reply in kind. “Don’t you, a dog, enjoy the smell of shit?” Continue reading

Comments Off on A Fart In The Face

Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Faint Signals, Idiot's Delight, Worst Of All

Reborted

Moviegoers today act like naked Kate Winslet in Titanic, coyly demanding Leonardo DiCaprio to draw her like a French girl. A preternatural relationship has been forged between audience and studio. A production falls all over itself to seduce a fandom, because that’s where the blindly loyal dollars are. If a popular intellectual property is even slightly altered for a motion picture adaptation, it’s headline news, even above mass murder and election-year chicanery.

Eventually, this film will be remade, and this scene will feature different actors, pretty much just to fuck with you.

Eventually, this film will be remade, and this scene will feature different actors, pretty much just to fuck with you.

The movie industry has become such an intellectual wasteland that the 80s era of numerical sequel-mania looks dignified by comparison. Honest promotion and word-of-mouth don’t work anymore; attention span is dead. The only way to really sell a remake is to get people steamed. Take the things viewers loved about an original film, and subvert them. Serves the suckers right anyway, for falling in love with a fictional universe. The names P.T. Barnum and J.J. Abrams aren’t similar for nothing. Continue reading

Comments Off on Reborted

Filed under Don't Know Don't Care, Idiot's Delight, Late To The Party, Nostalgic Obsessions, Saturday Movie Matinee, Worst Of All

Future Folk Agree

From BIUL #1.

From BIUL #1.

Comments Off on Future Folk Agree

Filed under Comix Classic & Current, Magazine Rack

I Never Liked You: INXS

Within my vast and dubious knowledge of music, there are holes. Some are tiny, like my ignorance of sex droid Taylor Swift. Others are much larger; one is the relative size of six Australians. I have never cared for INXS.

Nearly indistinguishable from Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam.

Nearly indistinguishable from Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam.

The closest I got was “The One Thing”, which saw heavy rotation on MTV in the early 1980s. The band benefited from a visual similarity to other groups, like U2, UB40 and the B-52s, and this sameness ensured my future confusion. I just never found INXS that memorable. Continue reading

Comments Off on I Never Liked You: INXS

Filed under Don't Know Don't Care, Faint Signals, Idiot's Delight, Nostalgic Obsessions, Worst Of All

Squirrel Nut Zippers

BIUL_Squirrel_Nut_Zippers
Le temps détruit tout; time destroys all things. People, corporations, empires; everything eventually must yield to the Great Abyss. Immortality only exists within the perception of us mortals, meaning, there is no immortality for anything but mountains and tardigrades. We all die, alone and afraid.

Music is a celebration of the immediate present. Musicians agitate the air molecules and create “living” sound. Live audiences receive these vibrations, and are stimulated. This is why recordings seldom deliver the experience that live performances do, and why some dudes have to blast their music loud enough to drive everyone in earshot insane.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Squirrel Nut Zippers

Filed under Bad Influences, Comix Classic & Current, Faint Signals, Girls of BIUL, Late To The Party, Nostalgic Obsessions, Thousand Listen Club

Michelle Shocked

Michelle Shocked is an American alternative folk singer/songwriter from Dallas, Texas. Her 1988 debut album, Short Sharp Shocked, featured a cover photo taken by Chris Hardy, for the San Francisco Examiner in 1984. Shocked had been protesting during the Democratic National Convention.

Mercury Records issue

Mercury Records issue

Continue reading

Comments Off on Michelle Shocked

Filed under Don't Know Don't Care, Girls of BIUL, Idiot's Delight, Nostalgic Obsessions, Worst Of All

Here’s Your Problem

It’s 2016, and I can tell you’re not ready. The last twelve months really added wear and tear. You’ll have to do more than make resolutions you won’t keep, if you’re gonna roll through another year. I’m here to help, though. I’ve taken a good look under your hood, and I think I see the issue. It’s not a problem yet per se, but it could seriously affect your performance in the coming days.

HaynesBIUL

Let me break it down for you.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Here’s Your Problem

Filed under Idiot's Delight, Late To The Party, Nostalgic Obsessions, Robot Toy Fetish, Saturday Movie Matinee, Uncategorized, Worst Of All

They’re All Gonna Laugh At You!

I seldom forget a good paroxysm of laughter. For example, one of the best memories of my time working at the mall record store involves an album played after closing, one night in 1993. Myself and two other employees were doubled over, purple-faced, unable to breathe from laughing so hard. It felt like the skin at the base of my skull was going to split.

The album was They’re All Gonna Laugh At You!, and the man responsible was Adam Sandler.

adamsandler1

Continue reading

Comments Off on They’re All Gonna Laugh At You!

Filed under Bad Influences, Faint Signals, Idiot's Delight, Saturday Movie Matinee, Thousand Listen Club

Queen

BIUL_Queen Continue reading

Comments Off on Queen

Filed under Bad Influences, Comix Classic & Current, Faint Signals, Idiot's Delight, Nostalgic Obsessions, Thousand Listen Club