Category Archives: Don’t Know Don’t Care

Nothing That Hovers Is Good

A mere two years back, the new and hip way to get around was on a hoverboard. The word was first popularized in 1989, in the time-travel comedy Back To The Future II. Coincidentally, the segments of the film that took place in 2015 featured a “hoverboard” (from Mattel).

I dunno, the kids’ outfits are fairly accurate.

Rumors persisted for decades that Mattel actually produced a real hoverboard, for use on-screen, but parents’ groups kept it off the shelves. The truth is that the technology as depicted does not exist and never has, unless it’s among Tesla’s experiments. The fated hoverboard of 2015 was actually a board with wheels. It did not hover. Or work very well.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Nothing That Hovers Is Good

Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Girls of BIUL, Worst Of All

21st Century Hatfields and McCoys

The first brand feud I can remember is Atari vs. Intellivision.

Note Major League Baseball endorsement. And misspelling of product name in quote. Superior, my Aunt Fanny.

Some kids had an Atari 2600 game console; some kids had an Intellivision. (Some kids had an Odyssey 2 or a Vectrex, but not for very long.) Atari kids hated Intellivision kids, and vice versa. The TV commercials for both brands stoked this hatred; George Plimpton appeared in an ad for Intellivision, which he explained meant “Intelligent Television”. Ergo, kids who played Atari were stupid. Continue reading →

Comments Off on 21st Century Hatfields and McCoys

Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Faint Signals, Idiot's Delight, Nostalgic Obsessions, Robot Toy Fetish

Tales From Salted Earth

Gather ’round, children. Don’t you wonder why we live in the cold and poisoned world that we do? Looking back, around a decade ago, everything got too salty. 

We used to come home from work and watch TV, enjoying longtime creature comforts. Television shows were devoted to entertaining us, with characters we could identify with. That’s how it was in the 1990s.

The troubles began with Friends.

Future historians will note this couch as the Beginning Of The End.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Tales From Salted Earth

Filed under Don't Know Don't Care, Faint Signals, Idiot's Delight, Nostalgic Obsessions, Worst Of All

“All The Snakes Go Crazy”

I have this idea for a movie. It was kind of inspired by Snakes on a Plane, but not in the way you think; my movie would be good. It would be relatively inexpensive to make and gross tons of money. Hear me out.

The idea is: one day, all the snakes go crazy. Continue reading →

Comments Off on “All The Snakes Go Crazy”

Filed under Don't Know Don't Care, Idiot's Delight, Movies You Missed, Saturday Movie Matinee

Moonlighting

Oh, you say there’s an ’80s revival on the way again? Are you ready for some chills of the douche variety?

Many things on television in the 1980s were, in hindsight, cringe-inducingly awful. Indefensible, from any logical standpoint. Cast into the dustbin of time by fading stars trying to build a better legacy. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Moonlighting

Filed under Bad Influences, Comix Classic & Current, Don't Know Don't Care, Faint Signals, Girls of BIUL, Idiot's Delight, Nostalgic Obsessions, Worst Of All

You’re Winner!

You made it to 2017! Against all odds, you’re still here, reading this. Give yourself a round of applause!

You watch. Some wag will replace “T-shirt” with “President”, and earn many dollars and pink-bellies.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on You’re Winner!

Filed under Don't Know Don't Care, Late To The Party, Uncategorized

Matty’s White-Knuckle, Sober Christmas

Like many adult Americans, I prefer to be intoxicated on Christmas day. Some call this addiction. I call it self-medicating for the benefit of others.

Purple = sober and confused.

I’m not a role model, or a regular person. I’m alone on Christmas because I’m belligerent and undiplomatic by nature. I lack the ability to mask contempt or disdain. Just days ago, I told three separate strangers to go kill themselves. I make jokes and draw comics to keep from screaming death threats at people.

Oh, and if at all possible, I try to stay high, all the time. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Matty’s White-Knuckle, Sober Christmas

Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Idiot's Delight, Late To The Party, Uncategorized, Worst Of All

Ze Brain On Ze Table

In case you’re a neophyte to this website and its redundant obsessions, 2009 saw the release of the hysterically divisive toy movie Revenge of the Fallen. To be kind, I reference this beloved turkey a lot. So often, in fact, that I’ve tried in recent months to avoid referencing it, to keep from wearing it out.

So much for that.

I bring it up almost as frequently as I do my time in jail. It even showed on the giant TV in stir- and the other inmates had seen it so many times they were sick of it. It was like hanging out with a hundred friends in a warehouse, bickering over what to watch. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Ze Brain On Ze Table

Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Idiot's Delight, Robot Toy Fetish, Thousand Listen Club

Let’s Play Victim!

It’s the popular classic game that anyone can play (ages 10 and up)!

Product and player colors may vary.

You’ve been given a job to do, and you can’t do it! Gather the family ’round, and roll the dice. Time to pick a VICTIM card! Continue reading →

Comments Off on Let’s Play Victim!

Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Faint Signals, Idiot's Delight, Late To The Party, Worst Of All

Uncle Owen’s Cabin

Deep cleansing breaths.

Some people are fans of something because the person that created it paid them attention.

I’m kind of curt about the fact that I don’t take suggestions from the audience. I don’t mean to be rude, but here’s the issue. If I take a suggestion, I am now beholden to the one who made it.

Not only that, I’ll have set a precedent, wherein that person will peruse my work in perpetuity, hoping for another use of the suggestion. It’s a kind of writer/audience codependency, and it’s unhealthy for either party.

It’s common practice in digital culture. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Uncle Owen’s Cabin

Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Faint Signals, Idiot's Delight, Worst Of All