Category Archives: Eatable Things

09/25/2015 · 2:30 pm

All Hallows’ Eats II: The Candying

Halloween is little more than a month away, so join me, as I once again risk my tooth enamel and gastrointestinal tract trying to recapture the joyfully spooky autumns of my youth. Click here for a much earlier installment in this series.

Mysterious Monsters

Mysterious Monsters

I found these things at Target, which is where I get about 50% of the candy I consume. The rest comes from Publix or CVS. These places understand adults with a diet that includes candy/crap. I typically can’t emerge from a Publix without a fresh bag of Wonka Randoms. Whoever designed those needs a fat promotion. The satisfaction of going to the scoop-and-bucket candy store at the mall- they nailed it.  Continue reading →

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09/16/2015 · 12:02 am

All Hallows’ Eats

As Halloween approaches, we celebrate by getting sick on weird candy. To kick off this recurring feature, here’s an article from October 31, 2007.

What, you thought I was too busy to hand out treats to you fine kids? Hell no! How could I show up empty-handed, with all the hard work you guys put into your costumes? Sure, maybe you’ll be a little disappointed with what I have to offer, but since I at least made an effort to please you nice kids, maybe you won’t huck eggs at my quaint little Web 1.0 home here.

I’ll be blunt; my choices aren’t very original, but I hope you nice kids won’t hold that against me. I can see the glimmer of apprehension in your eyes behind those clever masks, no doubt caused by the realization that my home smells like compacted ass. Perhaps my shambling and tattered clothes suggest a feral man easily spooked by traffic’s roar. I assure you the corpses on the lawn are decorations and not interns.

‘Tis the Season. Let’s eat some CANDY!

103107pic1 Continue reading →

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09/11/2015 · 12:33 am

Axl of Nazareth

I never liked Guns ‘N Roses, and this might surprise you, but my reasons are weird. On the surface, I found Axl Rose grating and embarrassingly trashy, although the other band members were really good, and their album Appetite For Destruction was my earliest exposure to the art of Rob’t Williams. But I never could abide a poseur, and in my opinion, Axl Rose has built a career impersonating the lead singer of Scottish hard-rock band Nazareth.

nazareth1 Continue reading →

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08/29/2015 · 8:01 pm

Bouillon Cube Theory

Almost every single aspect of my personality can be explained by one simple fact: when I was a kid I ate a bouillon cube.

bouillonI was too young to know better. I had witnessed the flavor sorcery that resulted when my parents would cook with a bouillon cube. Surely, I reasoned, if it made dinner taste that good, then a whole cube of it would be a trip to flavor heaven.  I even imagined it might expand into a steak or a burger, like in The Jetsons. So one evening I sneaked into the kitchen, unwrapped a beef cube, popped it in my mouth, and chewed it up. Continue reading →

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12/11/2014 · 9:34 pm

McNugget Anatomy

It may seem obvious, but when over a million people see your creation, it is quite a rush. When you make something that goes viral, I explained to a friend recently, it’s like surfing the inside of a tornado. It’s euphoric, but it taxes your emotional equilibrium, and if you aren’t careful it becomes an addiction. How would you handle the attention of a million people?

Sometime in 1999 (I think) I conjured up this piece, basing the shapes on the most common McNuggets. Nothing I have done since has elicited the same level of emotion and hysteria from readers, which I take great pride in. And despite my commitment to accuracy (for example, the crunch of the ‘eye’), I still enjoy eating the godforsaken things on occasion.

Before you ask, yes, there were t-shirts and posters. Grimace ate them all.

mcnugget_anatomy

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09/25/2014 · 8:52 pm

Generation Swine

I never really dug Motley Crue. I was aware of them, thanks to MTV’s saturation (well in full swing already) and kids at my school who were freshmen when I was a sophomore. As I observed in art class, they were often unabashed Crue fanatics. But for whatever reason, the appeal of Motley Crue completely passed me by. Maybe I wasn’t part of the proper generation.

Years later, in 1997, I Nineties nineties nineties the nineties, by which I mean I was working in a Media Play’s CD department as a glorified stockboy. This was the time during which I consumed so much of the now-extinct 90’s soft drink SURGE that a sore the size of a dime opened up at the back of my throat, and where I learned to channel my anger by discreetly smashing merchandise with a rubber mallet. Much of the Media Play era has been depicted in Bands I Useta Like strips, like the Squirrel Nut Zippers one. There’s still enough left to fill a book on its own. Continue reading →

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