Year of the Grinch

For this Christmas, and probably every Christmas afterward, I have made a command decision to be brutally honest with myself, and everyone else. I would say that I hope others can accept my choice, but this is personal. I won’t even ask you to bear with me.

I have chosen to acknowledge Christmas alone and ignore all other December holidays (except Joewalshmas of course, which I created). The words “Happy Holidays” will never escape my lips again. I never meant them in the first place, because I could not conceivably care less about any known winter holiday aside from Christmas.

I’m not a Jew. I don’t care about Hanukkah. If you do, good for you; enjoy. L’chaim, even. I was raised a Christian whose family celebrated Christmas and Christmas alone. When I was a kid, there wasn’t this incessant guilt trip about acknowledging other holidays. My family and everyone we knew celebrated Christmas unabashedly. Guilt trips were reserved for anyone who called it “Xmas”. We all knew that particular “compromise” was the beginning of a “slippery slope”, of which we now find ourselves slid to absolute (one would hope) bottom.

“You’ll sell your beliefs out, kid!”

If I said “Happy Hanukkah” to anyone, I’d be faking. Since saying “Merry Christmas” would be offensive, I’ll just say nothing. I don’t know or care about anything related to Hanukkah. Without automatic correction, I wouldn’t even spell it properly. I’m just being honest. People who celebrate Hanukkah don’t give a shit about Christmas. I am now officially returning that sentiment. This goes against my beliefs as a Christian, but let’s be frank. Those beliefs have been taken advantage of and fisted since I was in grade school.

I literally never gave a single fuck about “Kwanzaa”. It was invented in 1966, the same year the Church of Satan was founded by Anton LaVey. There you go; I know more about Satanism than Kwanzaa, and I know almost zilch about Satanism. I thought Futurama’s “Kwanzaa-Bot” was funny. He was voiced by Coolio, who is dead. I wouldn’t care about Kwanzaa at gunpoint. If you think that last sentence was offensive; good. I don’t care. I make up holidays too. You don’t see me flipping out if no one’s ever heard of them.

Also- celebrants of Kwanzaa can take a joke.

Fuck Ramadan. Fuck Islam. How’s that grab you? Because it’s all I have to say about any of that. Blow up my house and affirm my prejudice if you’ve got a problem with it. Actually- that would be my postjudice. Postjudice is prejudice you develop through repeated negative experience with something. I have no warm holiday sentiments for a culture that forces women to wear hijabs even in my southern American town. I’m even frostier towards women who embrace it. Fuck the lot of you.

Have I left anyone out? Oh yeah- Santa Claus.

People who insist upon destroying the image of Santa Claus in the minds of children are the same as atheists; a living, breathing grudge. They have a seething postjudice towards the idea of God or Santa, and spend their lives condescending to anyone who believes in or even likes either. Never mind their miserable existence as typically unlikable people; they know better than you. That’s why they have to constantly confront and insult anyone even slightly religious (except Muslims; don’t be silly!). They’re just smarter than us, that’s all. All the finest art, literature and architecture throughout history was the work of atheists, right? Sure it was.

No one of sound mind has a problem with a black Santa Claus. The average adult can grasp the fact that Santa Claus is always the same color as your father. Black or white, not everyone out there had a father. This is why I choose to let sleeping dogs lie on this particular matter. Some folks are like Phoebe Cates in Gremlins (1984); Santa Claus is permanently welded to the worst memories of their childhood. Unlike prejudice, postjudice is typically valid, rooted in personal experience, and immutable. Granted, Phoebe’s experience is a bit on the sensational side, but my point stands.

For years, possibly even decades at this point, I have heard people who aren’t preachers incessantly preach “messages of tolerance and love” towards anyone who doesn’t follow Christian dogma. It is openly encouraged for people to illegally penetrate America and either ignore or ridicule the enduring customs of her native people. Meanwhile, Americans are stereotyped as invaders who visit foreign countries with the express purpose of brashly imposing our own habits upon their ever-hapless, undeserving, irrefutably angelic populations. (Even the fucking Germans, and the French, both of whom have permitted Islam to crush them into submissive oblivion.)

That’s backwards. That’s what pretty much everyone else does to us. You know what they say about projecting? Because by and large, most non-Americans project like a fucking IMAX theater. Americans either abide customs wholly alien to us, or we’re attacked by our own people, ostracized, or even criminalized. We have to lie back and take it as ideologies are exacted upon our country that literally kill and destroy us.

You think I’m off-base on this? Then name another winter holiday besides Christmas that people are disparaged for celebrating.

Name one, you Grinch motherfucker. One.

You. Can’t.

There’s never been one goddamn article from the media about the “commercialization” of Hanukkah, or the “futility” of Kwanzaa, or the “danger” of Ramadan. There’s never been a goddamn word spoken or written criticizing any one of those holidays, or anyone who celebrates them. Ever.

Meanwhile, I could probably find a headline in fewer than thirty seconds calling Christmas a “threat to climate change”. Written by a Jewish person. Usually a woman.

If that offends you, fine. The fact that Jewish people are paid to write articles about the evils of “white culture”, and how any criticism of Judaism, no matter its validity, is “anti-Semitic”, is pretty fucking offensive. I’m with you on that one.

Since I’m technically Christian, I don’t judge all Jewish people based on those examples. Because that would be wrong. Not to mention, it would insult the many Jewish people I’ve known in my life who are the farthest thing from resentful and ignorant, even though their holy texts call me a subhuman who deserves to be tricked and abused. I’ve known Jews whom I myself would admit are better than I am, but who never once acted like it. They treat me as an equal, and show respect to the manner in which I was raised. That goes a long way with me.

It’s all too easy to hate on Christmas, when every store in which you shop plays the same two fucking “Christmas” songs, usually from Halloween to New Year’s Eve. I’m old enough to recall opening presents in front of a beautifully decorated, ceiling-high tree, as snow gently fell outside, and a crackling blaze roared both in our fireplace and on the TV screen, where the “Yule Log” program played an endless suite of beloved and enduring holiday tunes.

In the 2020’s, Christmas music means two things; Mariah Carey, a shrill, stupid, gelatinous whore who fucked the former president of Sony, and WHAM!, a nasal, artificial-sounding duo featuring a degenerate who blew dudes in filthy rest stop bathrooms. Take your rancor out on the people and/or robots who force that aural dog shit on you, not Christmas itself. Don’t throw the baby Jesus out with the manger, for Christ’s sake.

I no longer expect respect from people who flatly refuse to earn it, regardless of their color or creed. I’d be setting up a gigantic Christmas tree if I didn’t live with two cats who would relish annihilating it. If I could sing worth a damn, I’d be caroling. If I had a time machine, I’d be making wreaths with my family and friends at my old community church in 1980, for advent.

I suppose, by now, you’re wondering what touched off this nuclear firestorm of holiday animosity from yours truly. Frankly, it wasn’t just the barrage of anti-Christmas garbage coming from the media and elsewhere. It was a message that the ostensible seat of our country’s government sent out last year. A message I wouldn’t even blame on the Grinch. The Grinch redeemed himself. I’m talking about pure, blatant evil.

This message:

America’s “president” and his administration are pure bitch. Irredeemably corrupt, shit-hatted lowlifes that any sane citizenry would hang upside-down from lampposts until dead and consumed by maggots. If you ever supported them, or (God help you) voted for them, I hope your genitals become gangrenous and fall off. I hope you and your family suffer severe illness and death, and the hospital tells you to go fuck yourself with a rusted railroad spike. Go ahead, justify your choices. I hope you literally choke on your own words and die in excruciating agony, ignored by every living thing as you do.

And yet, if I could afford a Christmas dinner, I’d still invite you into my home to share it. Because I’m Christian. Because my parents and family church raised me right. If you decide to shit on all that, it has nothing to do with your religion, or how you were raised.

It’s because you’re a bad person.

Do you see other people happily celebrating a holiday with family and friends, and decide to put them down for it? Then you’re a piece of shit. Again; even the Grinch saw the error of his ways, made up for it, and redeemed himself. If you can’t even keep your mouth shut during traditional holidays celebrated by millions of people, fuck you, you piece of shit. Don’t even try and use this article against me as some warped example of my “hypocrisy” on this matter. I’ll find you and fuck you up. I’ll cut off the oxygen to your brain until you’re a drooling mongoloid. I’ll gouge out your left eyeball and fuck your skull in front of your kids. I’ll make you pray for death a hundred times over. I’ll hang you by your balls from the top of a flagpole. I swear to God almighty, I’ll make you wish you never even knew my name.

All you will know as you take your last breath is that you crossed one line too many. That’s not a threat. It’s a promise.

To everyone who celebrates a holiday other than Christmas, I sincerely wish you tidings of comfort and joy. To anyone who disparages Christmas, I sincerely offer you acceptance, in the belief that like the Grinch, you too will someday come to see the error of your ways, and redeem yourself. That doesn’t mean you need to trim a tree, sing a hymn, or pin stockings to a mantle. It simply means that you return the acceptance I extend to you, regardless of your own personal beliefs.

That’s all it’s ever taken. That is the true meaning of Christmas, as I understand it. Acceptance, even in the face of rejection. Love, even in the face of hatred. The faith that someday, I’ll come to regret even the most acrimonious words I’ve written here. Even the Islam and atheist stuff. Not the stuff about the White House though. Fuck those demonic motherfuckers with a hot crack pipe, twice on Sundays.

I wish you a Merry Christmas.

God bless us, everyone.

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