Snitches Get Stitches

I often bring up the time I spent in jail because I learned a lot there. Unless you’ve spent more than 48 days behind bars, you should presume that I know more about the experience than you.

If you ever do go to jail, you will realize that everyone there is just like you. Many of them will be there for lesser transgressions than yours. Of course, some will have committed far nastier ones. You will learn more about people and human nature in one week here than you would in four years of college.

All you have to do is keep your mouth shut.

See, in jail, you don’t have to speak at all if you don’t want to. You don’t have to say a word.

Nothing you can say will ever matter.

Now, let’s say you encounter someone in jail whom you consider to be a “racist”, based upon something they said. (I mean, it’s plausible.) Let’s say you found out that this fellow inmate belongs to a political ideology that you despise for whatever reasons, and you wrote about it in a letter to your family. Let’s say this letter was delivered, even after standard inspection by correctional officers.

Thus, now your little finger-pointing missive exists in reality. Now it can potentially transform, and become something more than just a message.


Now imagine that it wasn’t a letter you sent. It was a tweet.

Something that is instantly and indefinitely archived, and can be referenced by the average search engine in under two seconds.

At the footer of this website you will see the following words:

If you feel the need to complain because something on this site offended you, you shouldn’t be using the Internet at all.

I write material for adults. If those adults wish to share my work with their children, I don’t care. However, I firmly believe that no one under 13 should be allowed unrestricted Internet use. This includes smartphones. If your under-13 is a pain in the ass, buy them some fucking pens and paper and books. Buy them guitar lessons.

But if anyone, anywhere, under the age of 21 has an opinion, I don’t want to hear it.

I had to do a lot of living to get where I am today. I don’t give a flying fat frog’s ass about what offends college students. If college students are easily offended, they deserve it. Their ideology is too fragile and they have some harsh life lessons coming when it shatters. They have friends to whom they’ll never speak again in five years; two, if they drop out, which a gigantic percentage of them will.

Because they’re pussies. They’re complaining about things they don’t find funny, when they don’t understand that they’re still pussy little kids and you have to live to really laugh at things. They’re kids and sorry to break this to you but kids don’t know shit yet.

If you’re under 30, odds are that you’ll completely change as a person within the next five years. This is normal. What’s isn’t normal is committing to an ethos so rigidly that you’ve reached the point of drawing up blacklists and laboring to “shame” comedians on social media, all because you perceived they went against that ethos.

You went Full Hitler.

Remember; the Internet is like jail, in that you never have to say anything. Doing so is voluntary and requires user devices. You can go your entire life without typing an utterance on the Internet, no matter what anyone tells you.

So if you think it’s acceptable to call for someone to be fired because they “offended” you somehow, in the form of a text message, you are a bad person, and people will know. The world will take you apart at the joints for your hypocrisy, in short order. You will be destroyed, after suffering public humiliation beyond your worst waking nightmares. It will haunt you to your grave and forever after.

I’ve seen it a hundred times. You will end up a cow on a kiwi farm.

Think twice before you snitch on someone who “offended” you. You are doing nothing more than affirming in indexable print that you’re easily frightened and can’t stand being uncomfortable in public settings. You should thank comedians for offending you, you’re a bitch. Your mom was annoyingly super-sensitive all the time, right? Well, your mom’s a bitch. You and your mom are a couple of flinchy bitches. There, I said it.

Trying to promote yourself at the expense of someone else, based on some sort of moral high ground, never works. It always backfires. Any professional in any field will tell you that the only way to get ahead is through consistent results of demonstrable value. Are you a novelist? Then write some novels and shut the fuck up. Are you an actor? Shut the fuck up and act, then. And I don’t want to hear any preaching about politics or world events from someone who makes their living lying convincingly. That goes double if you’re a kid.

Never forget; those who can, do. Those who can’t, #cancel.

It is not your job as a person to decide who gets to work, and who doesn’t. You don’t get to decide what people believe or they don’t. The more you understand that, the better you’ll get along with other people. If you don’t think you need to get along with other people in life, then someone other than you pays your bills. The rest of us have to at least pretend to stand each other to stay alive, while you’re huffing your own farts on-line.

If you make the voluntary effort to give your imagined offense a voice, expect the consequences. Expect to be attacked for arguing against free speech, because you are. Of all the conceivable ways you could express yourself in cyberspace, you chose to virtue-signal, by snitching on a comedian. Because you wanted to be noticed for being “good”.

All you had to do as an observer was laugh, or not laugh. That’s all you had to do as a person.

Is everyone else laughing, and you’re not? Then the problem is you.

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