Father’s Dead

Mark my words. As soon as it becomes feasible, the father will be erased from the family unit forever. The word and the concept will be abolished and nullified. You can bet your life savings on it happening in the next five years.

Do you have positive and meaningful memories of your father? Are you a father yourself? Tough shit, pal. Fatherhood will be socially equated with rape. It’s just the way the wind’s blowing now. Before long, you won’t even be permitted to write or say anything about fathers unless it’s negative. Everything that involves confident heterosexual men is evil. Did you not get the memo?

“But Matty,” you’re saying, “one doesn’t have to be heterosexual, or even a man, to be a father.” Sorry; it slipped my mind that every single fact I know to be true is false. Literally nothing heterosexual or male can be celebrated because it causes discomfort in those who complain on other people’s behalf. I mean, why do we even have a “Father’s Day”, anyway? Can’t we shut that down to better appease some fatherless jizzbags who might immolate our homes and businesses?

The so-called “Founding Fathers”, fuck ’em, right? They’re just some dead white assholes who were racist enough to give us the society that’s being gleefully destroyed by herpetic dropouts who own, believe in and create nothing. And if there’s one thing Americans do well, it’s bend over for anyone who yells at them for being racist, cheeks akimbo. Every historic moment in our country’s history involves sucking the penises of our adversaries, to full completion. All our ancestors owned billions of exclusively black slaves, and raped several Native American tribes in toto before breakfast.

Gee whiz, thank the God that doesn’t exist (unless you claim to be Islamic) that there are so many immaculate and guiltless Twitter users who inform us shitbird Americans about how we’re all descended from genocidal murderers and racist rapists who step on kittens’ heads for giggles. Thank the non-existent Christian God that every country besides America has a past wholly devoid of war, injustice, and oppression. It’s just us! What a miracle, yes? Incredible! What serendipity!

America is so fucked up and evil that every other polity on this planet migrates here to begin a better life. Because Americans are all rapists waving Confederate flags, except for the luminous angels who are somehow mowed down by police for something as mundane and silly as pointing a weapon at them. Oh wait- I didn’t mean to infer by “luminous” that these angels might be white. Heaven forfend. Only Black people (that’s with a CAPITAL B, you racist) are ever killed by cops, and it’s always for no tangible reason whatsoever. How fucking dare you ever suggest otherwise. No Caucasoid’s suffering should ever be treated as anything but fabrication; a mockery of the pain of actual intelligent lifeforms.

Name one positive thing any father has ever done, in the history of peoplekind. Your own father was a rapist and a racist. I don’t even have to know you to know that’s the absolute truth. Your mother was raped, and you are a rape baby, just like Eartha Kitt. Your grandmother was violently raped by your grandfather. There’s no such thing as loving heterosexual intercourse. The very idea is folly. Intercourse is rape. Love is for same-sex couples and transgendered persons. You cannot father a child without being a rapist. The paid actress you know as “AOC” intimated as much.

Why would you ever, in a thousand years, show anything but rancor and disrespect towards any man or father? What the fuck have they ever done for anybody? And hey- why stop at fathers? Any male authority is erroneous. Why not poison cops eating in restaurants? A woman who represents Nintendo tweeted approval, and as science has proven, women are utterly incapable of doing anything bad. Any region governed by a female is a Utopian paradise. If we replaced every single cop in America with a woman who uses Twitter, peace would be achieved in four or five minutes, tops. Since no woman exists who doesn’t abhor guns and the Second Amendment, violence would disappear overnight. After all, guns are super loud and they exclusively kill Black people.

If only there were no fathers, and women ruled the world. We could ban the use of the words “bitch”, “bossy” and “Karen” once and for all. And why stop there? Women could, at long last, rewrite every history book and take out all the mean racist man stuff, so it could never be repeated again, or learned from. Women could revise all classic literature (excluding anything written by women) and make sure it has the proper tone of female empowerment. Because that’s what all women do when given the opportunity, right? They make every single thing about women.

Which is obviously better. Hey, fuck men (figuratively speaking, of course). We’re all so unnecessary, and we provide nothing. We offer no tangible benefits for existing; only obstruction (and rape). Anything we can do, women can do better (except rape, duh). We should gladly kneel anytime they shame us. I don’t know why we don’t just die out so the ladies can have their time. Women have so clearly earned it by being born with vaginas and being desirable to only 80% of the world’s total population. That’s so unfair- it should be the entire population. Everything at all times should be about women and nothing else. Nothing in our reality is more important than women. Not oxygen, not truth, nothing. Women women women womanly women women. Handmaid’s Tale women women Women with a capital W.

So remember; if you celebrate Father’s Day, you’re a racist, and you celebrate rape. Abraham Lincoln was a man and a father (ergo a rapist), so not only should you destroy any statue of him, you should destroy any money you possess that features his likeness. You know what; the God that doesn’t exist is on your money too. So destroy all of it, just to be safe. Money is worthless if you look like a racist. You would only be turned away from businesses in this free country of ours. That is, the businesses that haven’t been burned to the ground over bullshit reasons, by “anti-fascists”, or other upstanding citizens who live hundreds of miles away and heard something about someone dying, even though it was a guy so who really gives a fuck. Oh wait; the dead guy was a Black person, and as I’m told incessantly by other white people 24 hours a day, his Life Mattered. Better burn millions of dollars’ worth of public property ASAP to make that point extra abundantly clear.

I loved my father more than anything. I’m also glad he’s dead. Meaning, I don’t have to tell him that my city is ablaze and that the dumbshit woman mayor responds by telling CNN about the ongoing oppression of Black people, as she prays for the coveted VP slot under provable racist and disintegrating hair-huffer/child-groper (also provable) Joe Biden. I don’t have to tell him that every city in America stupid enough to vote Democrats into office is being razed by childless, hired sociopaths who mysteriously arrive from elsewhere by the busload. I don’t have to show him how virtually every single book, movie and TV show that we enjoyed together is being censored and erased by affluent nihilists with psychotic victim complexes.

I don’t have to tell my dad that the replica Civil War pistol he hand-built and fired in our old basement is a symbol of oppression and racism and would get us “swatted” by fatherless schizoids with Wi-Fi connections. I don’t have to see the hurt and confusion in his eyes when he’s told that our ancestors were nefarious losers and racists by people under 30 who’ve never opened a single fucking history book. I don’t have to tell my dad that every second I spent in school was wasted and based on lies taught by mendacious frauds, or that his time in school was equally without merit. As was his brothers’ exemplary military service.

I don’t have to tell my dad that I’ve lived long enough to see much of my friends and acquaintances morph into hypocrites, who desert me when I disagree with a party line or mainstream media narrative, or even if I just crack a joke. I don’t have to tell my dad about the jobs I don’t get because it was convenient for them to label me erroneously. I don’t have to tell my dad that thanks to the politically-correct brainwashing run amuck in learning institutions and corporations, I will never get anything resembling a fair shake as an artist or a creator. I don’t have to tell him that he witnessed the fleeting height of my success, and that I have to convince myself upon waking every morning that I haven’t pissed away the last ten years of my life.

I don’t have to tell my dad that the funniest cartoon we ever saw, where Elmer Fudd repeatedly fires a shotgun into Daffy Duck’s face, is now unfunny and wrong. I don’t have to tell him that my individual opinions and politics make me a liability to any employer, despite the effort and wisdom I offer and expend. I don’t have to tell him about the suspicious, side-eyed glances I get because of who I am. I don’t have to tell him that when all is said and done, no matter what, my life will not have amounted to anything.

I don’t have to tell my dad shit. He’s dead. He got out while the getting was good, as did his brothers. Like George Carlin, he’s better off.

To all the fathers out there: Happy Father’s Day. You built the world we live in, and don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not every bit as important as mothers. Celebrate with your family wherever applicable, until the time inevitably comes when they take it away from you. Because they will.

In many ways they already have.

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