All Hallows’ Eats IV: Kreme Warriors

This is it folks; the final chapter for 2015. If you still aren’t full and/or sick after reading this, here are the first, second, and third chapters. Spoiler alert: Freddy dies in this one. From an overdose of candy corn.

I have a confession to make; this is all a facade so I can eat as much sweets as I want. I am a sick individual. Unless I photograph and document this crap, I am merely a middle-aged man horking down cookies alone in his room. Technically, I still am.

These cookies are very flaky and soft, which is an evil plan to make you place one on the palm of your hand and eat it whole like a horse to keep it from crumbling. I managed to space them out over two days so I didn’t die in my sleep. They kinda taste like candy corn, but it doesn’t matter. Lofthouse makes cookies that would drive a certain blue Muppet monster into a feeding frenzy. They’re frigging scrumptious, is what I’m saying.

This is the mic drop on candy corn for 2015. Surprisingly, it was one of the last items of this flavor available; maybe people are finally corned out. But let there be no argument- this is the best-tasting candy of this variety I’ve had this year. M&M got the candy corn flavor dead-on, probably because they used white (artificial) chocolate, which is kind of close anyway. The miserable orange M in the kernel costume ensures this entry receives highest BOOdos.

I actually waited too long to visit KK, and a lot of the seasonal donuts were already sold out. If you live outside of the franchise, let me tell you a few things about Krispy Kreme.

• The one I frequent is open 24 hours, and has a drive-thru.
• They’re always busy. If I go, I expect a line.
• If you inhale within a three-block radius of the shop, there is an 85% chance you will go in and buy donuts. It reminds me of where I grew up, in the wake of the Nabisco building.
• The Krispy Kreme box, white with green polka dots, is a common sight in places where people gather and are happy.
• I’ve never been, but I’ve heard that the coffee at Dunkin Donuts is terrific.

Clockwise from the top:

Pumpkin

My heartbeat is slightly irregular. This is why I space these updates out, I have to recover in between. I should also point out that the vision in my left eye is blurry for some reason. Pumpkins are orange; this donut is orange.

There is a puma on Mt. Ararat, which is unusual because the puma is not native to Mt. Ararat. No information exists about it on the internet; searching only brings you to this page. Whether this lends weight to a “hollow earth” theory is a moot point, but it is certainly a sin of omission.

Aka-maka-muka! Does that make sense? I don’t know anymore. I HAVE BEEN EATING DONUTS ALL DAY.

This was a very delicious creme-filled donut. The jack-o-lantern face is thick frosting. I foresee terrible dreams tonight.

Oreo Kookies & Kreme

It’s possible that I imagined that spelling above. Once you’re inside a Krispy Kreme, and you’re close enough to the conveyor belt to smell the brand-new donuts choodling along on it, it’s easy to lose your head.

This isn’t a Halloween donut, but as I said, the Monster and Spiderweb varieties were sold out, and I was getting a half-dozen ($5 with coupon). Nobody goes into a Krispy Kreme and purchases just five donuts. Nobody. The very idea is farce.

This was indescribably delicious, but it isn’t nice of me to rub it in. If you enjoy the taste of Oreos, this donut will make you want to marry it. It’s my favorite out of the specialty donuts I bought.

Hot Now (2)

Please be aware: I do not possess photographic evidence of angelic halos. This is an all too common mistake. Those are donuts in the photo above. MERE GLAZED DONUTS. I saw them come off the conveyor myself.

At the end of the shiny conveyor belt, lay a small pile of discarded donuts, atop the garbage can. While I waited in line to place my order, no fewer than three customers practically begged to buy the donuts on top of the garbage. I myself was moved to purchase two hot ones after gazing at the discard pile.

That’s how good Krispy Kremes are. People would literally pay to eat the garbage. Can you imagine a higher endorsement?

Halloween Sprinkle

I took this for a regular sprinkly chocolate donut until I started eating it. It’s got a smoky extra zing to it I can’t place. Folks, I’m a lot of things, but a culinary writer ain’t one of ’em. I’m doing the best I can here. It’s good, but few things compare to the Hot Glazed. (Note: if your donut cools off, you can put it in the microwave for 8 seconds and restore it to its former glory almost entirely.)

Pumpkin Spice

This is I think only the second PS item I’ve eaten this October. It’s good, a cake donut, not too strong on the spice or the pumpkin. I think the backlash on this flavor ceased because people realized there were better things to get irritated about. Also I think that this one and the Halloween Sprinkle got swept under by the flashier cream donuts. Such is the circle of life in the season of Samhain.

Thank god this is over.