{"id":4213,"date":"2018-07-26T17:01:20","date_gmt":"2018-07-26T21:01:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.bandsiusetalike.com\/biul\/?p=4213"},"modified":"2018-07-26T17:01:20","modified_gmt":"2018-07-26T21:01:20","slug":"bicycle-people","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bandsiusetalike.com\/biul\/bicycle-people\/","title":{"rendered":"Bicycle People"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

a poem by<\/strong>
\nm. boy anderson<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

bicycle people are so cool
\nbicycle people are so hip
\nthe way they zip along the sidewalk full-speed
\nmakes life so much better for all of us<\/p>\n

bicycle people are great
\nwhen you’re walking along loaded down with grocery bags
\nthey play “chicken” with you
\npedaling at high velocity toward you
\ntheir eyes sunglassed and undetectable
\nexpecting you to leap out of their path
\nas you walk home
\nloaded down with groceries<\/p>\n

bicycle people know their stuff
\nif you shout that you are WALKing on the sideWALK
\nthey have attitude and excuses at the ready
\nhow dare you expect them to ride their vehicle in the street like the law states
\nthere are cars there
\ncars are scary
\nand drivers hate bicycle people
\nfor some inexplicable reason
\nnot because bicycle people ride like drunken lunatics
\nand think of no one but themselves
\nno, it must be something else
\nsome irrational problem drivers have<\/p>\n

bicycle people wear helmets
\nwhen they feel like it
\nthey decide which laws they follow
\nany inconvenience is ignored
\nuntil they have an accident
\nin which case
\nit’s everyone’s fault but theirs
\nthey own a bike
\nthey HAVE to ride
\nbut only in a manner that they see fit<\/p>\n

bicycle people are adamant
\nthey HAVE to ride
\nthey crave that hot rigid seat grinding into their perineum
\ngrinding away the shackles that bind them
\ngrinding away the confines of their workaday world
\ngrinding away their fertility
\nso thankfully the chances are slim
\nthat they will make more
\nbicycle people<\/p>\n

bicycle people stick together
\nthey use their numbers to clog up busy streets
\nso they can casually chat with one another
\nabout how superior they are
\nas bicycle people
\nor talk on their phones
\nor drag around their bicycle baby
\nsipping overpriced coffee and imparting bad attitude
\nthen once alone, they return to the safety of the sidewalk
\nbecause their needs come before everyone else’s<\/p>\n

bicycle people are driven
\nthey know they’re in the right
\nif they make you nervous, that’s your problem
\nserves you right for having to walk somewhere
\nwhy wouldn’t you just ride a bike?
\nit’s not like they cost money
\nand are actually a status symbol
\nlike every other material possession
\nphones
\ncars
\nshoes
\na bike seat that doesn’t render you impotent<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

bicycle people live in fancy apartments
\nbecause they have money
\nthey return home all whacked-out from over-exertion
\nand throw their beloved bike into the main hallway
\nso that everyone has to carefully step around it
\nand not knock it over
\neven though it’s in the way
\neven though they have to shower immediately
\nand can’t be bothered to properly stow their bike
\nyou’ll get yelled at if you knock it over
\nbecause how dare you touch their precious bicycle
\nif it was outside and visible
\nit would get stolen
\nbecause apparently a lock has not been invented
\nthat could deter such a crime
\nhow dare you even suggest such a thing
\nyou’re not a bicycle person<\/p>\n

bicycle people keep a mental list
\nof every negative experience, no matter how small
\nso that they can recite them
\nwhenever challenged on their recklessness
\nand horrible attitude
\n“i’m actually extra careful,” they say
\n“my tire popped once”
\n“my chain came off once”
\n“an angry driver ran me off the road once”
\nas though these are valid reasons
\nfor riding on the sidewalk like a pussy<\/p>\n

bicycle people are full of surprises
\nthey barrel out of nowhere
\nlike the proverbial bat out of hell
\neverything is a bike lane
\nunless it’s marked as such
\nor if it’s a street
\nthen fuck it
\nthat’s kid stuff
\nthe sidewalk is just better
\nso many caf\u00e9s to roll right up to
\nso the folks dining outside
\nget a good whiff of the ball sweat
\ntrapped in your lycra bike shorts
\nas they enjoy their beignets
\nand you dismount
\nlike some sort of two-wheeled mutant asshole
\ngasping
\nscaring children and small dogs<\/p>\n

bicycle people haven’t a care
\nthat they used to be fun
\nthat their chosen mode of recreation used to be accessible
\nto just about anyone with working legs
\nbut now it’s territorial
\naggressive
\nlike a country club for complete assholes
\nlike surfing
\njust another group of people that only care that they get to do
\nwhat they want to do, when they want to do it
\nand you can get fucked
\nas far as they’re concerned
\nthey don’t even care
\nif they look bad
\nin the eyes of others
\nlike pedestrians
\nthat’s their problem<\/p>\n

bicycle people are sensitive
\nabout the handicapped
\noh wait; you’re not handicapped?
\nwhy are you walking on the sidewalk then?
\nwhy wouldn’t you just ride a bicycle?
\nanyone could purchase a good bike with the money we all have on average
\nyou’re just being obstinate by walking from place to place
\nyou deserve to be knocked to the pavement
\nwith your groceries skittering every which way
\non the sidewalk
\nby some sensitive bicycle person
\nwho just wants to cruise along
\nat seventeen miles per hour
\nlike it’s the fucking tour de france
\nwith a hydration backpack
\nbecause their health
\nis so much more important
\nthan yours<\/p>\n

bicycle people are smart
\nthey know that no matter who they are
\nno matter what they do
\nor how many accidents they cause
\nor how many pedestrians they maim
\nillegally
\nthere is one thing they will never be:<\/p>\n

fat.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

a poem by m. boy anderson<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2,5,8,77],"tags":[412,3050,28,3049,51,52],"class_list":["post-4213","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-bad-influences","category-dont-care","category-idiots-delight","category-worst-of-all","tag-atlanta","tag-bicyclists","tag-despair","tag-poetry","tag-sellouts","tag-whores"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p53HmY-15X","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":4250,"url":"https:\/\/www.bandsiusetalike.com\/biul\/belabor-day\/","url_meta":{"origin":4213,"position":0},"title":"Belabor Day","author":"MattyBoy","date":"09\/03\/2018","format":false,"excerpt":"For the first time in eight years, a new collection of\u00a0Bands I Useta Like strips is available! 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