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- I saw\u00a0The Shining<\/em> when I was 9, but I didn’t see\u00a0Full Metal Jacket<\/em> until I was 32. I didn’t see\u00a0Apocalypse Now<\/em> until a few years ago. I was better off experiencing them as an adult. Horror is one thing; horrors of war another.<\/li>\n
- I became unruly at a screening of the restored Walt Disney\/Salvador Dali collaboration\u00a0Destino<\/em>. I honestly believe it was an unfinished copy with bad audio. I don’t experience things like that in public anymore. I’m too uppity when it comes to art mixing with corporate mentalities.<\/li>\n
- After decades of supporting George Lucas’ changes to\u00a0Star Wars<\/em>, I stopped loving Blade Runner<\/em> after Ridley Scott changed “fucker” to “father”.<\/li>\n
- I liked the\u00a0Star Wars<\/em> Special Editions because up until 1997, I’d primarily seen the original trilogy on television, stretched out to three hours to accommodate commercial breaks, and even on VHS they looked like complete shit. I’d seen all the Indiana Jones<\/em> movies on the big screen, and they looked and sounded great. Seeing\u00a0Star Wars<\/em> during the original run was more trouble than it was worth. The Han Solo fanboys ruined it then just as they have now. It’s practically a psychological complex: “Han Solo Syndrome”. Move over, Peter Pan.<\/li>\n
- I used to like\u00a0American Beauty<\/em>, a total shitpile of a film, only redeemed briefly by Thora Birch exposing her tits. It has all the emotional depth of\u00a0Donnie Darko<\/em>, another movie I detest and consider overrated. When Drew Barrymore said “cellar door”, it was all I could do not to hurl a tomahawk at the screen. That’s “deep” if you were recently birthed inside an incubator.<\/li>\n
- A common element in movies I like: everyone is covered in blood and firing shotguns at each other. Oftentimes they scream the word DIE<\/strong>.
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\n<\/a><\/li>\n- I found Martin Scorcese’s The Departed<\/em> absolutely impossible to follow, and could not tell Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon apart. I couldn’t recall a single line Jack Nicholson said. All I remember is at the end, everyone shoots each other before an overplayed Flogging Molly song. I don’t think anyone yells\u00a0DIE<\/strong>.<\/li>\n
- I avoided Inception<\/em> because I knew it would stink, and it did. I’ve bent circuits since the 90s; as soon as that throbbing started up, I knew it was slowed-down opera. It got louder and louder until I screamed “OKAY! I GET IT! ENOUGH!”, and turned the DVD off. Later, when I gave the movie a fair shot, I was treated to the sight of Marion Cotillard killing herself. Cotillard is a beautiful woman who happens to remind me a lot of my ex. Inception<\/em> stinks, and I’m on to Christopher Nolan’s tic of starting every title with “In”. Insomnia, Inception, Interstellar, <\/em>in the dictionary there are other words.<\/li>\n
- The act of putting your arm across a girl’s shoulders in a theater is something I invented, and there’s no way to do it without your arm falling asleep. As for the penis-in-the-popcorn gag, you get salt and oil all over your pubes, and if you make the hole in the bottom too cleanly, you risk paper cuts on your wang. All of this is considered rape in 2016 anyway.<\/li>\n
- \u00a0Despite more than one attempt, I have never been able to stay awake for the duration of\u00a0Gone With The Wind<\/em> or\u00a0The Powerpuff Girls Movie.<\/em><\/li>\n
- I saw\u00a0Alien\u00a0<\/em>at a young enough age to put me off of crab and lobster forever. I live far away from any beaches, thanks to\u00a0Jaws<\/em>. I don’t hate the ocean, but I do believe it’s a vast organism beyond our understanding, and that I should really just stay the fuck away from it.<\/li>\n
- The transporter accident in\u00a0Star Trek: The Motion Picture<\/em> traumatized me. Then David Cronenberg’s\u00a0The Fly<\/em> made it worse, and if some asshole manages to invent teleportation in our lifetime, I will gladly disembowel them with a sharpened banjo.<\/li>\n
- For some reason I sat through\u00a0The Fly II<\/em> with Eric Stoltz, another misguided sequel like\u00a0Alien3<\/em> where a dog is obliterated. Look, a\u00a0Mars Attacks!<\/em> card is one thing; nobody wants to sit and watch while a pooch explodes or turns inside out, in real time. Scorcese’s\u00a0Cape Fear<\/em> remake had the good sense to make Jessica Lange describe\u00a0<\/em>the dog’s suffering and death, which puts it in the realm of human emotion rather than extended torture porn.\n
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<\/a>Literally the solitary time I’ve seen the death of a dog pulled off successfully, aside from The Plague Dogs<\/i>.<\/p><\/div>\n
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- I thought it was a smooth idea to share Trainspotting<\/em> with my dad, and when the dead baby appeared in the crib, he let out this awful\u00a0“ohhhhhh god”<\/em>, and I felt like garbage. I have no idea what I was thinking.<\/li>\n
- My favorite movie is\u00a0Irr\u00e9versible<\/em>. I am a gentleman, in that I have never watched it with a female. You take that shot alone or not at all. There’s better films to enjoy with ladies than the one with nine minutes of anal rape. It’s the only film I’ve ever seen that forced me into my “happy place”. Pretty fuckin’ powerful filmmaking, in my book.<\/li>\n
- After seeing Peter Greenaway’s\u00a0The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover<\/em> I experienced uncontrollable dry heaves. Not because of the grody cannibalism, but because holy shit that is the most goddamn pretentious thing I’ve ever seen, and I saw\u00a0Antichrist<\/em> (which I liked). Lars Von Trier lensing a child falling from a window like a cologne ad has nothing on Helen Mirren spattered with rotting carrion.<\/li>\n
- Until Pierce Brosnan, I disliked and avoided James Bond movies. I found the deaths to be off-tone and grotesque. When I was a teen, Sean Connery was known for\u00a0Highlander<\/em> and\u00a0Time Bandits<\/em>. Roger Moore was James Bond on\u00a0The Muppet Show<\/em>.<\/li>\n
- In the late 80s, if a\u00a0Roger Rabbit<\/em> short played before a movie I didn’t care about, I would pay for the ticket and leave after the short. I used to hop theaters, before ticket prices skyrocketed and it became an easy way to get brained with a flashlight.<\/li>\n
- In 2007, before the first\u00a0Transformers<\/em>, a trailer for\u00a0Across The Universe<\/em> would screen. During this trailer, a friend moved closer to say hi, and I said flatly, “I HAVE AIDS. I NOW HAVE FULL-BLOWN AIDS.” I later realized this statement came completely out of nowhere, as he did not share my disgust for this Beatles adaptation (or at least, he concealed it better).<\/li>\n
- I violently hate musicals.<\/strong><\/li>\n
- I’ve seen\u00a0Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band<\/em>, that’s why.\n
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<\/a>Oh, that’s for sure.<\/p><\/div><\/li>\n
- A friend once tried to make me watch\u00a0Moulin Rouge\u00a0<\/em>and I threatened to aerate a vein. Any time I offer an honest opinion about Baz Luhrmann I end up hurting some girl’s feelings and I feel like a bag of shit.<\/li>\n
- I’ve seen\u00a0Clue\u00a0<\/em>and\u00a0Battleship<\/em>. Two movies based on board games. To be fair,\u00a0Clue<\/em> is worth it.\u00a0Battleship<\/em> could have been a re-cut of\u00a0Skyline<\/em> or\u00a0Battle For Los Angeles<\/em> and no one would have noticed. I can’t really ridicule these movies, when I guarantee you forgot all about them until I brought them up.<\/li>\n
- My introduction to the legendary Ennio Morricone was Brian De Palma’s\u00a0The Untouchables<\/em>, with Kevin Costner. The only Italian composer I love more is Angelo Badalamenti. He did\u00a0Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors,\u00a0<\/em>and\u00a0Twin Peaks<\/em>, among many others. He spits coffee into a napkin in disgust in\u00a0Inland Empire,<\/em> which I was apparently alone in liking.<\/li>\n
- I don’t like\u00a0True Romance<\/em> or\u00a0Reservoir Dogs<\/em>, and in fact have no reverence for them at all. If I want a fine steak, I don’t go to Burger King. That’s about all I have to say about Tarantino. He got Morricone his Oscar, I’ll give him that.<\/li>\n
- I think\u00a0Casino<\/em> is Scorcese’s best film. I don’t think Joe Pesci’s characters in\u00a0Goodfellas<\/em> and\u00a0Casino<\/em> are similar at all, other than being played by Joe Pesci. The guy he played in\u00a0Casino\u00a0<\/em>looked just like him, anyway.<\/li>\n
- I don’t think\u00a0Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn<\/em>,\u00a0Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull<\/em> and\u00a0Hugo<\/em> were fairly received by audiences, and I can be a real dickhead about it.<\/li>\n
- I’m secretly glad that theater prices are so high, because it keeps people from using their phones, talking, or otherwise being disruptive (for the most part). I’m intolerant of disrespecting the house while the film is rolling, for any reason. And if anyone present is under 13, I’m already pissed off. Children really don’t belong in theaters. We’re just forced to accept it because we don’t feel like getting into a fight with another miserable, projecting parent. As you suffer, so must we all. Your weak pullout skills\u00a0uber alles<\/em>.<\/li>\n
- As the end credits rolled for\u00a0Jackie Brown<\/em> and\u00a0Back To The Future II<\/em>, I stood up in the theater and screamed epithets at the screen. In both cases I was accompanied by females who were absolutely mortified at this gesture.<\/li>\n
- I have kind of a love-hate relationship with the movies.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
![\"If](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.bandsiusetalike.com\/biul\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/badcin5.jpg?resize=350%2C233\")
<\/a>If you put your dick in it, you better hope she eats it all, because you won’t want to.<\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have a confession to make. Though I consider myself quite the erudite film scholar, in many ways I have no cause to place myself above the average lumpen moviegoer. I confuse the name ZaSu Pitts with Zuzu Petals, a … Continue reading
- I became unruly at a screening of the restored Walt Disney\/Salvador Dali collaboration\u00a0Destino<\/em>. I honestly believe it was an unfinished copy with bad audio. I don’t experience things like that in public anymore. I’m too uppity when it comes to art mixing with corporate mentalities.<\/li>\n