{"id":1615,"date":"2016-03-17T00:00:11","date_gmt":"2016-03-17T04:00:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.bandsiusetalike.com\/biul\/?p=1615"},"modified":"2022-01-21T22:56:59","modified_gmt":"2022-01-22T03:56:59","slug":"tool","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bandsiusetalike.com\/biul\/tool\/","title":{"rendered":"Tool"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"BIUL_Tool\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Check it out, I wrote my very own Tool song:<\/p>\n

I was nothing but a child
\nYou put your fingers in my ass
\nIt was warmer there
\nBlood and semen make pink<\/em><\/p>\n

SHOVE YOUR FIST INTO MY ASSHOLE
\nI AM BUT A CHILD MOLESTER
\nMY FATHER TOUCHED ME IN THE CORNFIELD
\nJESUS WOULDN’T FUCKING WHISTLE<\/p>\n

Everyone has been molested
\nShit is covering my hands
\nMy mother had a stroke
\nThat’s a great idea for a new album
\n<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Pretty good, eh? I listened to Tool a lot in the 90s, so I know my stuff. It was fun seeing how much “blacker” they could make each successive disc, layering expensive acetate and dense Alex Grey paintings like Goth Oreos. If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “that guy I know’s a huge asshole; how would he<\/em> know about Alex Grey?” It’s because that asshole had a copy of\u00a0Lateralus<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Thanks to Tool, I know that the inside of the rectum is 4 degrees warmer than the rest of the body. I know lead singer Maynard James Keenan was most likely molested by one or more family members. Cancerous circus animals make for cheerier material than Tool lyrics.<\/p>\n

Wasn’t it funny how Maynard turned up on an episode of\u00a0Mr. Show with Bob and David<\/em>, in a fake band called “Puscifer”, and then that became a “real band”, with a logo, and blindly-loyal fans? Then “Puscifer” did the theme song to the video game Transformers: Fall of Cybertron<\/em>, and the fans acted like it was SO DEEP, even though it was toy robot drama accompanied by what sounds like “Staind”?<\/p>\n

\"Ah,<\/a>

Ah, the time in a metal band’s life when they dress up like hootin’ hollerin’ country-folk. Because that’s always funny.<\/i><\/p><\/div>\n

I remember when Keenan moved on to a band called “aperfectcircle”, or “A Perfect Circle”, or “what the fuck ever”. I thought to myself, “a circle; that probably indicates a fart hole.” I am no fool. 9 out of 10 Tool songs are about anal sex, anal rape, anal penetration, or anuses. I get it. Something bad happened. Maynard, show me where the bad man touched you on this doll. Let the court note that Mr. Keenan indicated the doll’s posteripoop.<\/p>\n

Once I’d gotten into Undertow<\/em>, I special-ordered Opiate<\/em>, the “first EP” that Keenan calls out on Aenima<\/em>‘s “Hooker With A Penis.” Opiate<\/em> was very good, but in all honesty, “Hooker” is the finest song Tool recorded. Instead of pointing his vituperation at his abusers, Keenan turns it on the posers that infested Tool concerts in the late 90s like pubic lice. His voice melds with the grinding guitars, making it sound like the song itself is breathing in and out sharply, in furious anger. The very end of the track sounds like the inward gasp for air following a vicious tirade.<\/p>\n