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<\/a>The sequence is so brief, it was hard to screencap.<\/p><\/div>\n
In 2008, Harrison Ford returned to the screen as globe-trotting archaeologist Henry “Indiana” Jones, Junior after a 19-year absence. I myself have been (to be kind) fanatical about Indy since Raiders of the Lost Ark\u00a0<\/em>in 1981, so before I saw\u00a0Kingdom of the Crystal Skull<\/em>, I knew several things.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n After I left the theater the first time I saw\u00a0Crystal Skull<\/em>, I felt disappointed. Not because of what I’d seen. Because the Indy movie was over, and it could be ages before there’s another one.<\/p>\n THE SAME WAY I FELT AFTER LEAVING\u00a0TEMPLE OF DOOM\u00a0<\/em>AND\u00a0LAST CRUSADE<\/em>.<\/strong><\/p>\n I’m telling you straight,\u00a0Crystal Skull<\/em> was unfairly received. It didn’t deserve the Razzies, it didn’t deserve the derision, and it DAMN sure didn’t deserve an ass-raping orgy on\u00a0South Park<\/em>. Not to go off on it again<\/em>, but that was the last\u00a0South Park<\/em> I ever watched. I’m not gonna sit through commercials so some jack-off can whine about a movie he didn’t like. And I don’t care if the show’s “gotten better”. It’s never met the modern standard for animated television, in my opinion, and it shrilly tells the audience what to safely hate. It’s nothing that would see airtime if it wasn’t propped up by Viacom. Don’t be naive.<\/p>\n But instead of sprinkling bile, I’m going to walk you through it, and show you why you were wrong<\/strong> to hate on it. I’ll point out the many great things everyone ignored in their manic, post-Prequels rush to childishly rage on George Lucas. You’ll see that Crystal Skull <\/em>is as consistent and necessary as the other three chapters. You’ll understand that it’s an all-too-rare gift from the makers to Indy fans, like Last Crusade<\/em>. You’ll realize that its flaws are forgivable, if not endearing.<\/p>\n It’s taken me eight years to be this nice to you about it.<\/strong><\/p>\n Let’s start at the top. One of the things I love about Lucas, is that he hates to show you the same thing twice. Each Indy movie has a distinctive,\u00a0in medias res<\/em> opening scene, implying that his life is a never-ending series of adventures, going back to boyhood.\u00a0Crystal Skull\u00a0<\/em>starts with a beautiful fake-out, reminiscent of\u00a0Temple of Doom, <\/em>in that for a moment you think you walked into the wrong movie. There’s even Elvis music.<\/p>\n Before that; a CGI prairie dog.<\/p>\n Why not use real prairie dogs? Because:<\/p>\n Do the CGI prairie dogs look fake? No more fake than the miniature mine car chase in\u00a0Temple of Doom<\/em>, or the blue-screen aerial dogfight in\u00a0Last Crusade<\/em>. As with LeBeouf and the monkeys, if you’re going to fixate on a few seconds of film,<\/a> you’re in the wrong place. You’ll have to suspend your disbelief a lot<\/em> more than that to enjoy Indiana Jones movies. The series carries the torch\u00a0of old serial adventure, which is one of the reasons I consider it so important. For example, here we start with a car chase.<\/p>\n In 1957 Nevada, a jalopy loaded with teenagers scorches across the desert. This is another throwback to Lucas’ boyhood of California muscle rods and their drivers, which he illuminated in American Graffiti<\/em> (1973). More importantly, this is directed by the fucking Picasso of car chases, Steven Spielberg.<\/strong><\/p>\n There seems to be something off<\/em>\u00a0about the soldiers, as they speed alongside the teens. The caravan enters a military base, the kids drive off for other kicks, and this is all so subtle that you may not get the message yet.<\/p>\n The kids in the jalopy are the American life we used to enjoy.<\/strong> Then comes paranoia, and military intervention, which turns out to be an opportunity for the enemy to invade.<\/strong> Sound fairly prescient for 2008? For\u00a0now?<\/em><\/p>\n The soldiers are Russians incognito, and they infiltrate the military base in marvelous Bond-villain fashion, by hiding in single-file formation. This is like the “breath of God” sequence from\u00a0Last Crusade<\/em>, where something must\u00a0be\u00a0observed from a fixed point of view. (True confession time: I didn’t fully understand that sequence until college, when I learned about “forced perspective”. How exalting, to have to\u00a0learn<\/em> to “get something”?! Why do you think the jokes on classic\u00a0Mystery Science Theater 3000<\/em> resonate as deeply\u00a0with viewers as they do?)<\/p>\n Igor Jijikine as Dovchenko.<\/p><\/div>\n This intro is a lovely distraction- Indiana Jones is actually in the trunk, alongside occasional partner George “Mac” MacHale (Ray Winstone). The soldiers drag them out, reporting that they’d been digging in the dirt, in Mexico. The poor bastards had been fermenting in there since south of the border.<\/p>\n Up strides this entry’s major villain, and this time, it’s a\u00a0lady<\/em>, played to perfection by Cate Blanchett.<\/strong><\/p>\n Cate Blanchett has, no question about it, earned her place in the pantheon of\u00a0great Indiana Jones baddies. We still talk about Rene Belloq and Mola Ram not just because they were the villains; Indiana Jones characters are colorful and larger than life, especially the foils. Spalko is no exception.<\/p>\n She was a favorite of Josef Stalin. She is rumored to be able\u00a0to read minds. She has the lithe\u00a0body of a gymnast and has wearied of sword fighting because no man can best her.<\/em> You get the impression that she gave up sleep because it wastes time. Once she loses the titular skull, she doesn’t so much as sit down for the rest of the movie. It’s absolutely nuts.<\/p>\n Not only that, but she gets numerous extreme close-ups in this movie. I saw this film once at Atlanta’s Fox Theatre, on a 40-foot screen. Say what you will about this movie, say what you will about Cate Blanchett; her skin is FUCKING FLAWLESS.<\/p>\n Spalko also gets\u00a0some of the movie’s best dialogue, as she prepares to expose a bound Indy to the mysterious aura radiating from the crystal skull, and observe the effects:<\/p>\n “Imagine. To peer across the world and know the enemy’s secrets. To place our thoughts into the minds of your leaders. Make your teachers teach the true version of history, your soldiers attack on our command. We’ll be everywhere at once, more powerful than a whisper, invading your dreams, thinking your thoughts for you while you sleep. We will change you, Dr. Jones, all of you, from the inside. We will turn you into us. And the best part? You won’t even know it’s happening.”<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Fuck anyone who doesn’t like this movie.<\/p>\n This is the first time we’ve seen Indy in 19 years, and it’s wonderful. He’s grumpy and uncooperative. He looks like he was happier in the trunk. Spalko\u00a0tries to read Indy’s mind, and when he proves too tough, she playfully slaps his giant ham of a face. If I look as good as Harrison Ford at 60- shit, at 70<\/em>– I’ll be a happy man. This is, without a doubt, Dr. Henry “Indiana” Jones, Junior.<\/strong><\/p>\n The proof comes when the Russians order Indy to enter the military base and locate an artifact for them. He basically tells them to sit on a samizdat, but they point rifles at him and insist. Here’s where things start to get juicy.<\/p>\n Area 51.<\/strong><\/p>\n This is one of the smartest aspects of this movie. Indy has always walked the line between history and myth. He speaks a zillion languages. He found the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail. Here, he gets to be utterly out of his element. He even says “nuke-ular”.<\/strong> He is appropriately dad-like. He knows what’s necessary for the story, and mystery fills in the rest.<\/p>\n Ten years earlier, the government forced Indy to examine wreckage from Roswell. All he knows is that the artifact is magnetic, so he concocts a marvelous plan to locate it in the cavernous warehouse; he gets gunpowder from the Russians’ bullets and throws it into the air.<\/p>\n The whole sequence is terrific, with Indy leading Spalko and the soldiers through the warehouse as they pour shot into hats for him to throw. The sound design of the magnetic pull is well-realized, and it guides your ears while what’s on screen guides your eyes, like an undulating python. Indy locates the box, and when the Russians pull it out of its nesting place, the flood lights 30 feet overhead are pulled by its magnetism.<\/p>\n (Angry Matty sneaks in briefly.)<\/p>\n How could you fail to get excited about this?<\/em> The idea behind this movie is that your concept of the “typical alien” is utterly incorrect.<\/strong> But it turns out a lot of you (South Park\u00a0<\/em>fans)\u00a0saw an “alien”, decided you were too cool for the room, and shut your minds. That’s not the movie’s problem; that’s yours.<\/strong><\/p>\n (Angry Matty slinks back out, sulking.)<\/p>\n This is gonna be a long article.\u00a0Eight years, folks.<\/strong><\/p>\n In fact, to keep this thing from becoming a bloated, wheezing monster, I have to get briefer\u00a0from here on. I started writing this in 2008, and I’ve been hacking at it since January of this year. There are ten revisions already, and I’m closing in on 2000 words. Next time think a little harder before you hate on a movie I love, okay? Pretty please?<\/p>\n\n
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\nIt’s gorgeous. The horizon extends into infinity. The bobby-soxers are in the\u00a0rumble seat.<\/em> Everyone is caught up in the thrill and freedom of speed. They pull alongside a military caravan, and shout at the soldier driving\u00a0to floor it. All the while, “Hound Dog” is blasting on the speakers- it sounds like the first time I’ve heard it. Spielberg’s touch is so deft at this point in his career that the lens seems to dance around wheels and bumpers, gliding over the asphalt. If you do what you’re supposed to do as a movie-goer, and forget how you think<\/em> this movie should be, you could be enjoying this very much.<\/p>\n<\/a><\/a><\/p>\n
\nWe’ve seen this base before; it’s where government bureaucrats ordered the Ark of the Covenant stashed, at the end of\u00a0Raiders<\/em>. What we didn’t know is\u00a0what it was called:<\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n