Originally published on Mike the Pod, 12.16.09
I think we can all agree that this has been a mean year. Personally, the sudden and recent death of a close friend has tinged so many things with sadness; favorite movies, toys, books, comics… it feels endless. These are the trying kind of times that make us crave nostalgia, possibly out of a desire to return to when life was just simpler.
It was this craving that resulted in hours of NewsRadio-watching as of late. It was my favorite show when it originally aired, and I was a struggling actor commuting to Hilton Head for puppet shows and murder mysteries where I always ended up playing the killer, back when you could simulate gunplay in a comedy club without causing a serious problem. I had to do caricatures too, which I hated, but the tipping involved was unbelievable; after one particularly crowded gig on that shoe-shaped island, I thought I was going to get jumped on the walk to my car, due to the baseball-sized wad of twenties that was barely contained in my jeans pocket. I wouldn’t trade it for now, but there are certainly moments I recall fondly, often for their quaint simplicity.
But enjoying NewsRadio in 2009 requires a few mental concessions. You have to forget that one of the brightest stars of its ensemble was murdered, in his prime. You have to forget that producer Drake Sather, a talented comedian in his own right, killed himself about six years ago (although it’s possible you didn’t know about this until now, in which case, sorry). And the opening credits, spotlighting a New York that almost looks idyllic, prominently feature a pair of buildings you might have heard about that don’t exist anymore. To really enjoy the show, one has to climb into its 1990s comfort bubble, and revert to a simpler mindset free of the ugly truths we now know. Heck, people still laugh at Hogan’s Heroes, and there’s a whole movie about what that guy did, and what grim fate ultimately befell him. Also, that whole comedy-Nazi bit.
This is why so many folks come back to toys for mental comfort. I mean, sure, that’s what toys are designed for in the first place, but also, toys don’t suddenly snap and commit murder-suicide, or rob gas stations for coke money. Toys don’t join political cliques that make you lose all respect for them and finally come to hate them and their ass faces. Toys don’t make sex tapes, or hang themselves in a closet while beating off. People get attached to toys easier than they do to other people because toys are far less complicated. It’s a piece of plastic; you’re either entertained by it, or you’re not.
So it is that I hope to both entertain you and soothe you nostalgically with this article spotlighting a less-celebrated toyline of the 1980s; Kenner’s MASK, also known as Mobile Armored Strike Kommand. If you don’t know, the vehicles converted into aircraft or revealed added weapons, and the little action figures each came with a rubbery “mask” that gave them powers or some damn thing in the (awful) cartoon. MASK’s enemy was the para-military VENOM, which I don’t think stood for anything, and most kids confused them with GI Joe’s COBRA anyhow. As a lad I came to own quite a few of these, merely by dint of existing at the targeted age. They were common holiday gifts from out-of-touch relatives, and I liked to shoplift the single-packed figures, much like Air Raiders. My favorite vehicle, the black truck with the turret and the little eyepatch thug guy, is not included in the following catalog unfortunately. It was called the Jackhammer, I think. I still have it, but I’m too lazy to look it up.
And hey, this wasn’t just a MASK catalog, it was a two-year CALENDAR! Plus, as you’ll see, the copy writer at Kenner saw fit to append dates relevant to the little plastic people that sit inside the cars! Is that not totally cute?
Alright! Right off the bat we’ve got a toy I happened to possess myself. For the most part, it sucked. “Mudslinging sleazeball Lester SludgeTM” had a tiny head with a magenta crewcut and wraparound shades. His lower legs were purple plastic that warped and he couldn’t stand on his own. The Iguana, cheap as it was, still had knobby round rubber tires, and Lester’s mask fit very snugly. Those are about all the positives I can offer. Don’t forget- February 18th is Lester’s annual parole review!
March brings the MASK Firefly, a vehicle I once found on a playground and took for a off-brand imitation. No sir, the Firefly was genuine, and you were actually expected to believe such a flimsy contraption was at all physically feasible. The wheels turn into thrusters, for crying out loud. Driver Julio Lopez, who in his spare time appears as every third person in Atlanta, came with the Streamer mask, which was yellow. Let’s just note that March 7th is Julio’s 5th “medical school reunion” and move along.
For April, we see the first “accessory” of the catalog, The Collector. Two modes, neither exciting. A roadside toll booth! An armored control bunker! Better pay the toll or toss in a token, or POW!!! All this, and the ubiquitous Alex Sector (with “Disruptor” mask), whose exotic pet store celebrates the 3rd anniversary of its opening on April 26. Drop by and take home a parrot, or some stoat chow.
The MASK Raven- a “snazzy Corvette”, back in the days when you didn’t have to check with Corvette about calling them snazzy or otherwise- becomes an armed seaplane with quick-flip hood and “immobilizer disks”! Master of escape Calhoun Burns is in the driver’s seat with Gulliver (?) mask. Sometime in May, Calhoun prepares his race horse for the Kentucky Derby. He wasn’t more specific before press time.
June 1987 was the Month of Mayhem: Max and Miles Mayhem, to be precise. For those keeping score, the Mayhems were the same toy in very slightly different colors. Even their helmets were the same, with different names (Deep Freeze and Flexor). The VENOM Buzzard wasn’t their main vehicle (that comes later), and god knows why they would choose to fart around in this thing. It just looks like a broken formula-1 race car. If you were born on June 15th, you share a birthday with the Mayhem twins, although Miles is older by 2 minutes (of course). That must be why l’il Maximus Mayhem was left out of the cartoon (at least as far as I recall).
July’s Boulder Hill Playset was the big ticket item for the good guys. An “innocent service station” stuck in the base of a plastic mountain, Boulder Hill was a fair approximation of the MASK headquarters seen in the cartoon and comics. Looks like the “GAS” sign turns into an “anti-gravity howitzer”, whatever in the wide world of sports that is, and the top of the mountain pops off to crush the skulls of any un-MASKed persons. This time Alex “Precursor to Mythbusters’ Jamie Hyneman” Sector’s mask goes by Jack Rabbit, and mechanic Clutch Hawks is also included, as is his… “Penetrator” mask. On July 4th, the Boulder Hill gang rings in our nation’s birthday with a barely-legal rager, after which Alex and Clutch wake up nude in the pictured jail cell. It gets that weird.
Clutch apparently stuck around for the August photo, with the MASK Wildcat tow truck. Except this time his mask is called “Ditcher”, which isn’t much better than “Penetrator”. August 20 is the scheduled date for the Wildcat’s tune-up. Transforming into an odd machine-turret thing takes its toll on the tranny. (The transmission, not “Clutch”.)
I had both of these. They both pretty much sucked. MASK motorcycles were cheaper, because you were getting a far simpler toy than the bigger stuff. The VENOM Vampire’s only real saving grace was Floyd Malloy, who had a well-sculpted face with a hilarious Billy Idol sneer. Plus it says he’s an “expert forger”, and I was almost expelled from college for forgery. Obviously here is where the idea first blossomed.
September 11 – Floyd Malloy scheduled for a haircut.
Ali Bombay, his MASK Bullet, and his extra-rubbery Vortex mask were all crummy and cheap and I don’t feel like talking about them. To hell with his meddling Peaceful Nations Alliance. What have they ever accomplished?
Also, his name was ALI BOMBAY. Gee, do you think he’s supposed to be Indian? I would’ve guessed Finnish.
Check out November; a GTO! Ah, more pre-licensing fun. And the VENOM Stinger is “skillfully manipulated by kidnap enthusiast Bruno Sheppard”! How about that shit, eh? This toy is driven by a man who’s enthusiastic about kidnapping! Kids love kidnappers; you can’t spell “kidnap” without “kid”!
Where were you on November 18? Bruno Sheppard was getting another tattoo on his right leg. Beat that.
I don’t know what the hell the MASK Razorback is supposed to turn into. I guess that’s a “snap action rescue tank”. It also has a “prism missile”, which lends credence to my theory that Kenner was picking words out of a bowler hat. Driver Brad Turner and his band “The Turnarounds” appeared at the Hard Rock Cafe on December 12th, and, well, that’s just totally super gay.
Happy 1988, kids! Here’s some crap!
That’s gotta be the worst damn MASK toy in the whole line. A billboard. What better way to show kids what a “hotshot driver” Dusty Hayes is, than to cram his butt into a roadside advertisement for some vague race thing that may not even exist? And what kind of date is that to mark? Aside from his duties in MASK, this poor sorry bastard has delivered 999 pizzas already? That’s too sad for words. I think he wants to die inside that thing.
Dusty Hayes’ mask is called Vacuum. Like every aspect of his life, it sucks.
For March, we have the central Christ-figure of MASK, Matt Trakker. He’s the one with his mask on the logo, so I guess he was the founder or some such. Despite its status as a registered trademark of Kenner, his last name is stupid and made-up sounding. And what’s up with marking HIS birthday (March 22), but the most important day in his son’s life is when he gets his report card? Not to mention how they make sure to point out that Scott Trakker is adopted? What kind of picture does this paint of the Trakker household?
T-Bob was the egg-shaped anti-comic relief of the show. He and Scooter from Go-Bots used to bang each other’s ass every chance they got. That’s about how cool T-Bob was back in the day.
MONDAY, MONDAY, MONDAY: Goliath races Buzzard in the Indy 500, May 30th! Gee whiz, who do you think’ll win? Don’t forget; Matt Trakker has childhood friend and obvious Native American caricature “Nevada Rushmore” and his Totem mask at his side. When there’s trouble afoot, Nevada can cry at garbage on the highway or go ber-SERK in an ice cream shop. Anything to stave off the crushing irony of his last name.
I did have the MASK Meteor, and honestly, it was reasonably cool as far as these toys went. The larger vehicles all had areas to ensconce the action figures, which was actually a nice feature around the time. Really, GI Joe was the only other line to have this feature, and since MASK figures were smaller in size, they could be posed sitting in the driver’s seat of the many cars and trucks, for that added touch of realism. The Meteor was like a death capsule you could lock a dude up in and submit to a fiery exit. From June 1 through 5, you can catch it at the Paris Air Show.
On July 31, SLY RAX attends the Mid-Atlantic Mud Wrestling Championships. The rest of the time, he hangs around a smelly collapsing gas pump and a pile of tires.
On August 15th, The HURRICANE Chevy appears in the National Funny Car finals. This despite there being nothing funny at all about it. Well, it’s kind of funny how the headlights bug out like the car just saw a ghost. But that’s not funny enough to make it a funny car.
The MASK Bulldog is powered by Boris Bushkin with Comrade mask, who celebrates three years in the U.S. on September 10th. Ah, the 80s and its strange love affair with Russia. Boris Bushkin!
The VENOM Outlaw was the badguys’ deluxe battle fort. Despite its hugeness, it only came with one Mayhem twin (Miles, natch) and some drip named Nash Gorey. October 5th was the fateful day when Miles Mayhem ambushed MASK and founded VENOM. So, make some punch or maybe cookies, to commemorate the ambushing of MASK.
I had the VENOM Manta; in the name of snausages, it came with a GIRL figure! That’s right, “Queen of espionage” Vanessa Warfield was a lady, with curves and everything. Weird! In addition, the Manta had a seat that could drop out of the bottom when the wings were deployed, allowing for creative interrogation techniques and people disposal at great heights! It even had tiny rubber seatbelts to strap the figures in. On November 11th, Vanessa gets her hair dyed red, “again”. She’s regular like that, I guess.
And our walk through nostalgia city concludes with Ace Riker, who’s ditched the deathtrap Meteor for a sporty little Vanagon with a light plane stuck inside it. You can’t see it above, but Ace’s new mask is the “Richochet” (sic). For the entire month of December, Ace teaches a seminar at “Top Flight” school. No joke, the seminar apparently takes all month. Must be murder on the vocal cords.
Happy holidays everyone, whenever you happen to read this, and who knows when I’ll drag another ancient, molding catalog out of the toy box? See ya next time!
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