[The following article is brought to you LIVE, from a haunted house
somewhere in North Georgia… or should we say DEAD?!?]
Do you DARE…
A rotting oaken door creaks open. As you enter the house, the first
thing you notice is the overwhelming stench of rancid corned beef hash.
From the inky darkness emerges your host; a shambling, wretched ronion of a man, encrusted in his own feculence.
Slowly you realize the thing before you, reeking and wheezing like some
eldritch horror from the deep… was once a human being. Well, not quite human– a CARTOONIST!
Hello boils and ghouls! Welcome to my house!
Like the place? I’m squatting in an old Scooby-Doo background! Wanna hire the decorator? Good luck figuring out who that was!
Alright, I confess, it’s kind of a dump. I haven’t cleaned or swept the floor since moving in five years ago. Five years! Has it really been that long?! Is this really all I have to show for it?!? Gadzooks!!!
I don’t mean to bring the room down, friends and fiends; this is a Spooktacular, after all. I’ve invited you here to celebrate all things spooky and scary, creepy and kooky. Be sure and stay until the end; there’s a special surprise, if you don’t freak out before then!
Let’s set the mood with some musical mayhem, shall we? Settle in for a symphony of screams!
One of the things that makes Halloween so important as a holiday is that self-righteousness and political correctness are properly discouraged. You’re either scared, or you’re not scared. Either you’re having fun, or you’re not.
How about a peek at the writhing viscera inside pure Halloween fun? Have I told you about Charles Addams, creator of the Addams Family (natch)?
I’ve always been a sucker for mystery, as Danny Elfman once sang, and a crucial part of proper Halloween atmosphere is indistinguishable noise and screaming from the dark outdoors. I started off this year with a viewing of Panos Cosmatos’s visionary nightmare monsoon Mandy, and even though I own a copy of it, I’ve only watched it once or twice since then.
My point is, if you haven’t seen Mandy, and you get your sick jollies off on films that are emotional torture marathons like I do, watch it late at night with the lights off. You will never look at mountains or fire the same way again. Sleep tight, whenever it is in the future you manage to sleep again!
Isn’t it funny, how we keep things from the past of which we are fond alive in the form of Halloween costumes? I mean, not funny ha-ha. Funny interesting.
Wait- don’t go! The party’s just getting started! We’re having a costume contest, and a bunch of girls came dressed as Elvira! Crank up the old Ministry!
Sorry, I got distracted there for a few minutes. Where was I? Oh hey; how about some movies I recommend for quote-unquote “spooky viewing”, ones that don’t necessarily involve Halloween?
Like The Hidden, one of my favorite movies of all time, of any season. It has an alien that uses people’s bodies for disguise, and has a taste for Ferraris, firearms, fast metal and fine titties.
This isn’t so much a movie suggestion as an acknowledgement of the best parts of a franchise; Aeon Flux. The original cartoon shorts had Halloween potential (Hallow-tential?) out the wazoo, in the character designs alone. The titular femme fatale isn’t an easy look to pull off successfully, however; like Milla Jovovich in The Fifth Element, it takes a certain type. And before you say anything, Charlize Theron couldn’t pull it off.
Funny story; one of the reasons I battle social media addiction is because you can make great friends there. Hell, that’s the platform’s intended purpose. You can develop lasting friendships, I swear. Listen, planes crash, but they also take off and land a jillion times a day.
So somewhere along the line I got into the digital orbit of former model Adrienne Curry, whom I’d followed since the days when “reality show” didn’t necessarily mean “torture”. I love it when a woman who is technically above the ten-scale has a great mind and a sense of humor. Who doesn’t, am I wrong?
I have long been convinced of Ms. Curry’s startling resemblance to Aeon Flux- she even has the voice. In a fit of pique, I teased her on Facebook that she missed a great opportunity in never playing the mysterious Monican assassin.
In reply, another of her many admirers posted the following picture, which upon seeing I legitimately gasped aloud and clutched my
Kinda reminds you what the major draw of a lot of this stuff is, no?
If you’re looking for inspiration for guy’s costumes, and you want something more adult than Nightmare Before Christmas, scare up (ha) a copy of Freddy Vs. Jason. Not only is the movie a total blast, it features “ultimate” versions of Misters Krueger and Voorhees, facing off in a hilarious killing marathon. These two characters are so enduring and iconic that you can rig up a decent Halloween outfit with household items. Well, excepting the burns and the blade-fingered murder glove.
Okay, okay… I know why you’re all really here. You don’t really care about the music, or the movies, or even the comics; you’re here for the CANDY!!!
That’s a good thing, because I eat a shitload of candy. Some might even claim I eat too much. If a candy I like is easily accessible and costs a dollar, you can safely wager I’ve consumed at least a pound of it in the past twelve months. You can tell where I’ve been in the grocery store candy aisle because I deplete inventory.
Kidding aside, there used to be Wonka Randoms. They’re gone because I personally ate them all.
Starting in 2007 (on my old site), I ushered in a completely plagiarized perennial concept; I would write features about the endless caravan of candy I consumed, just in time for the biggest confectionery smorgasbord of the year.
I didn’t try doing it again until 2015.
Did I say do it? I meant overdo it.
I ate too much garbage in October 2015 and thought I was gonna die. I went to Krispy Kreme and got 6 “Halloween” donuts, which I then ate. I was sick as a dog for days. The donuts were delicious. Like, if you’ve never been to Krispy Kreme, you won’t understand.
I’ll put it this way- even though it almost killed me, I’ve been staring at that pumpkin donut in the upper left corner for longer than I stared at Elvira’s cleavage earlier, and I’m currently talking myself out of getting another one. That’s if they’re not sold out already!!!
Alright folks, it’s just about time to wrap things up for this year, but before I do, permit me a moment to get serious. I concocted this modest little soiree to remind potential customers of the commitment I have to this site, and the amount of hard work that I put into it. I invite you to peruse the archives, and you’ll see five years and counting of proof.
I don’t have ads on this site, because the site itself is an advertisement for myself. I made the previous sentence unwieldy to make a Norman Mailer reference. This underscores my desperation. I am underemployed and pregnant with three books. I’ve been squeezing by on donations and selling toys. I need more money to keep the whole crap game afloat; not to mention for printing the books.
The three books with which I am pregnant are:
I am very close to my goal. You can help by clicking here, or by ordering copies of Bad Shape© and my other books. 2020 looks to be a very exciting year, and although I do love scary Halloween fun, it’s not fun to imagine legitimately scary things like being late for rent and bills. BOOOOoooo on all that shit!!!
Now… remember that special surprise I promised?
Enjoy some sneak preview images from Bad Shape©, and have a most excellent and spooky Halloween!!!
Your support is my survival, and I thank you kindly for your time. Pleasant screams, my friends!!!