Tag Archives: breasts

Cheap Trick

Whatever happened to all this season’s
Losers of the year
Every time I got to thinking
Where’d they disappear

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Filed under Animation Analysis, Bad Influences, Comix Classic & Current, Idiot's Delight, Movies You Missed, Nostalgic Obsessions, Saturday Movie Matinee, Thousand Listen Club, Unfairly Maligned, Worst Of All

It’s Not Real To Them, Damnit

So. As an adult, you have a problem with a movie that you loved as a child. I see on social media that this is a common grievance. I don’t need to name a film. There are dozens, maybe hundreds, of motion pictures that don’t stand up to the intense scrutiny and overthinking of 2017.

It’s not them. It’s you. You are the problem.

I’ll begin with a contemporary example: any current superhero movie. Marvel, DC, independent degeneracy like Deadpool and Kick-Ass; it’s all the same. Permit me to make another assumption- you got all worked-up over seeing the latest hero flick, and you left the theater three hours later feeling empty and disappointed, without knowing why.

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Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Faint Signals, Idiot's Delight, Movies You Missed, Nostalgic Obsessions, Saturday Movie Matinee, Unfairly Maligned

Forever Insufferable

If it were up to me, this entire website would be nothing but pictures of womens’ tits. Oh, except in the sidebar, there’d be a link to all the reviews I’ve written about Transformers toys. If it were up to me.

Wait a second… it is up to me. It’s my site. So why don’t I?

Good question. I could probably make a tidy income doing it. So why not?

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Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Idiot's Delight, Robot Toy Fetish, Worst Of All

The 40-Year-Old Version

Everything used to be way better. I found evidence.

A DOLLAR FIFTY!!!

It was at a yard sale for two dollars, and it’s actual proof, unlike my hazy memories. A motherfucking forty-year-old issue of Playboy.

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Filed under Bad Influences, Faint Signals, Girls of BIUL, Late To The Party, Magazine Rack, Nostalgic Obsessions

The 5 Greatest Television Show Themes

Do you know what a “cold open” is? Sure you do. Every current sitcom you watch uses it. It’s when the show just begins, no fanfare, no opening titles. Right into the action, because the producers know you’ll change the channel if you have to sit through 30 seconds of the same music every week.

Congrats! You’ve done exactly what was expected of you, and nothing more.

“Cold opens” are like “cold sores”. They spread easily. Saturday Night Live has done cold opens since before you were born. You’re used to it in sitcoms. Hell, you were getting tired of the “typical sitcom theme”, anyway.

That’s why they suck now.

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Filed under Faint Signals, Girls of BIUL, Nostalgic Obsessions, Thousand Listen Club

The Face of Kellyanne

Last year, all I wanted to do was crack jokes about Hillary Clinton’s ever-smug face. Her daughter Chelsea, too. Throw in that awful Debbie Wasserman Shultz, and you’ve got a trifecta of ghoulish visages I was literally salivating to goof on. Caricature unflatteringly, at the least.

And I didn’t.

I didn’t make fun of the women at the Trump rally, either. I couldn’t; they were all attractive, and could possibly have shamed me as a man.

While the entire media industry decided to make fun of Donald Trump’s face, like a bus full of second-graders, I didn’t stoop to their level. And oh, they had a field day. They’re still doodling him as an anus, or a Cheeto. I’ve seen that illustration of Trump as a shit-spattered baby so many times I could forge it from memory.

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Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Girls of BIUL, Idiot's Delight, Worst Of All

Pet Ophelia

WARNING! WARNING! WEIRD AREA AHEAD!

The closest I ever got to molested was when I was eighteen.

(Art: Dave Gibbons)

I was walking to Fair Lawn late at night, to cause trouble. I was thinking about Rorschach, the masked psychopath from Watchmen. An overweight creep with glasses stuck a tiny knife in my back, herded me behind a border of hedges, and tried to force me down on the ground.

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Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Faint Signals, Worst Of All

A Snowball’s Chance In Hell

I strive to be fair in my work, I really do. Except for when I don’t, and I’m not.

Meaning, there’s a handful of musical acts for which I have no love. All I have for them is contempt, which I lamely try to carve into humor. It’s best that I come clean about it, to put an end to wondering why I don’t mention some bands at all. Ever.

I don’t want to know how many times it’s been tattooed. I assume a lot.

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Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Idiot's Delight, Worst Of All

Oh, Brother

Let me be clear about something, so there is no misunderstanding amongst the finger-pointers.

I love women. 

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[file photo]

More than probably anything else. They are intrinsically exciting to me. Not just their hills and valleys; I can get worked into a froth thinking about Camille Paglia cocking an eyebrow. I have chased women at the expense of my sanity and livelihood, even the ones I wasn’t trying to fuck. Some women beam out female energy like a supernova, and I just want to be close to it, like a moth to a flame.  Continue reading

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Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Girls of BIUL, Uncategorized

The Hidden

One of my favorite movies of all time is The Hidden, from 1987.

hidden1

This is the movie that got Kyle MacLachlan cast in Twin Peaks. It was made by the same crew that did Nightmare on Elm Street. If, by some fluke, you’ve never experienced it, allow me to make a case for why it’s probably the greatest film ever made.

Kyle MacLachlan is mysterious FBI agent Lloyd Gallagher. Michael Nouri is the L.A.P.D. detective stuck working with him, investigating a weird string of robberies and murders. You see, an extraterrestrial entity is taking over people’s bodies, and making them kill. This alien also enjoys heavy metal, Ferraris, and high-powered assault weapons. Continue reading

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Filed under Faint Signals, Movies You Missed, Nostalgic Obsessions, O'Shloktoberfest, Saturday Movie Matinee, Thousand Listen Club