I’ve always known I was smarter than just about everyone else. Now, I have proof. Beyond the shadow of any doubt, I have proof.Continue reading
Category Archives: Eatable Things
[The following article is brought to you LIVE, from a haunted house
somewhere in North Georgia… or should we say DEAD?!?]
Do you DARE…Read ON???
“Climate change” is real. The idea that you can do anything at all to affect it is not.
I don’t care if that statement makes you mad. I get mad when I see people harping on and on about climate change, formerly known as “global warming”, formerly known as “destruction of the ozone layer”. It’s Don Quixote’s biggest windmill. It’s a fib you’ve been sold your entire life by politicians who want to distract you from matters that you can affect. It’s nonsense for keeping kids busy in kindergarten. You will tap-dance on the surface of Jupiter before you do anything that changes the climate.
On this special day, as many gather to celebrate the incineration of healing plants (or Hitler’s birthday/anniversary of Columbine, for the sickies), please enjoy these clip-n-save trading cards. They’re just the thing you need, for when you have to deal with the dark side of getting stoned.
Ask Mom for help before toking up, or using the scissors on your computer monitor. Fold along center line.
Ahh, the French!
I adore them. Their art, their culture, their contributions to the enlightenment of our world. Hate me all you want, but I never felt prouder of Donald Trump than I did when he refused to shake Angela Merkel’s hand for a photo op. Trump didn’t want to get France’s blood all over his hand, and Merkel’s mitts are positively oozing with the spilt plasma of Europe.
My dwarf hamster Vern (aka Vernal Squeequinox) has a Valentine just for you!
You might notice that Wheeljack makes an unscheduled cameo, and that my camera is busted (hence the cinéma vérité/shaky camera effect). Cheerios are like crack to Vern.
Feel like crying?
There’s an entire genre of movies, TV shows and music, explicitly designed to mollify you in your time of emotional distress. Plus, there’s a contrived ending that tells you everything’s okay. Or not. It’s basically sadness porn, after all.
Feel like laughing? Same deal. Entire blocks of television programming are devoted to laughter, loaded with disparate commercials for unhealthy items and services. You can “binge-watch” every stand-up special a comedian has produced, and then argue about a decrease in their edge, on the Internet. Isn’t that fantastic?