Bully For You

Here is a foolproof, ironclad, never-fail method to keep your kids from being bullied. Ready? This is worth a million dollars. Here it comes.


TA-DAA!!! Simple, yes? And it works, every time. If you’re so afraid that something you love will be bullied, buy a big dog that bites people. Better yet, buy a gun. Then you can finish off the bullies after the dog maims them. Problem solved. You’re welcome.

Is it too late? Do you already have kids? Oh well. Then they will either be bullied, or be bullies.

And it’s god damn supposed to be that way.

I have been bullied my entire life. As recently as last summer. Oftentimes, it has made me consider killing myself. That’s why I consider kids who kill themselves after being bullied to be utter pussies.

If you don’t know what this image means, then you don’t know how bad it can truly get. You have no idea.

There was a phrase when I was growing up: Go tell it to the Marines.  Unsurprisingly, few young people have the slightest idea of its meaning nowadays. It means nut up. Deal with it. This is your moment to overcome, and you’re blowing it. You’re letting some asshole with a room-temperature IQ degrade you. Find your nearest Marine and tell him all about it. They’ll step in where your dad failed, and really give you something to cry about. 

What happens in almost every war movie ever made? Someone’s best buddy gets mulched by a bombshell. I just watched Black Hawk Down, where a soldier finds a hand and puts it in his pocket to return it to its owner later. These moments aren’t in movies to exploit; they’re there to dramatize a horrific event that actually occurred. That’s why many Americans like myself are concerned with the feminization of our military and any “manly pursuit” you could name. We need soldiers who don’t freak out about their feelings when they see severed body parts. It’s war. For that, you need warriors. Not therapists.

Do you staff a maternity ward with powerful male bodybuilders? Do offshore oil rigs run better with a female crew? No? Then maybe there are jobs more suited to either sex. And yeah. There’s only two genders. Two. It’s not a “spectrum”, it’s two, determined by your chromosomes. I don’t care what some asshole on TV told you. TV is what fucked your children up in the first place.

It’s easy to talk shit about people on the Internet, so just about everybody does it. After a while, like Islamic attacks, it becomes part of your reality. Normalized. Then you just deal with it. People vandalize school buildings with hate speech against their own race, to see who’ll get blamed. People order pizzas to their imagined enemies’ doorstep, COD. Forty years ago, it was “obscene phone calls”, or “For A Good Time, Call ___”, scrawled in Sharpie on the tiles of the pissoir.  

There will always be people who fuck with you. Always. They can’t be reasoned to, or bargained with, and it absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until you are dead. 

Actually, it’ll continue after you die, because the ones that hate you will talk even bigger shit once you can’t correct them or talk back.

Do you see what I’m saying here? Do you understand that bullying is part of life on Earth? Do you understand that even animals do it?

It’s a display of dominance that is either successful or rebuffed. In humankind, it invariably comes from a stupid, loud, covetous person. I’ve told you; smart people are never loud. Stupid people always are. The louder someone is, the dumber they are. Since we’re not allowed to put “dunce hats” on them anymore, they go through life thinking they’re smart, because they bellow their way through any situation. They think loud wins. That’s why life in general fucking sucks in America. 

How many people do you encounter in the course of a week who get by on nothing but attitude? How much noise pollution do you endure, in the form of shit music blasting from car windows? How often do you get cut in line for something?

That’s all bullying. That’s all people who’ve never been beaten for their bullshit. How wonderful is your life with people like that running around in it?

You know who stops doing something negative when you hit them? Everybody. The problem is, we have legions of unfit parents who think hitting is communication, and here we are. You go to the shopping mall and dream of murdering every single customer there. You go to the grocery store and encounter people with the mental acuity of sphagnum moss, complete with their own gaggle of Mini-Mes.

In every single instance, that’s someone who should’ve had the taste slapped clean out of their mouth, and didn’t. For people with too much attitude, pain is the only teacher. Those are the people a drill sergeant lives to break down and rebuild. They must be broken down; they’ll never become anything otherwise. 

Except a bully.

If you’re the victim of a bully, and you kill yourself, or weep on YouTube about it, you lose. The bully wins. The bully got to you. Whatever your lofty ideals were, they bit the dust as soon as that bully flicked your nose and laughed.


Tolkien was bullied. George Lucas was bullied, on the set of the first fucking Star Wars. Anyone seen as intelligent in school was bullied, unless they were homeschooled, the ultimate parental cop-out. Oh; how dare I say that, huh? Little ol’ childless me? Well, guess what:

While you’re homeschooling your kids, their peers are toughing it out in public school, and they’ll invariably become tougher adults than your kids will. By leaps and bounds. 

Not to mention, homeschooling is almost totally a “white thing”. White people have the option of pulling their kids out of public school and spoiling them at home, when they should be trudging through snow to be with a classroom full of strangers. Ever heard of a homeschooled Hispanic kid? Yeah me neither.

I would suggest that “homeschooling” is a very privileged thing to do. Am I wrong?

When I was in Boy Scouts, I hated to attend the weekly meetings. It was all about getting me out of the house, and there was a kid who liked to make fun of my mother every time I went. I’m not gonna say his name, because presumably, he’s still extant and chugging a marathon of turgid cocks somewhere. But I’ll never forget the night when he pushed me up against the wall, and I uttered “if you say one more word about my mother, I will smash your face.” Boom. It ended. That was all it took. That red-headed Irish catamite never bothered me again.

A year or so later I quit Scouts. I hear they’ve been bullied into accepting girls now. That’s what bullying can do. You get pushed around enough, and you lose all sense and submit.

There is only one way to fight bullying, and that is to overcome. It doesn’t mean delivering the perfect verbal riposte, or lifting weights to become physically imposing. It doesn’t even have to happen quickly; it can take a lifetime. Let me close with this, as I gleefully celebrate the slow death of the NFL:

Which is more exciting; a team that wins every game, or a team that becomes victorious after a devastating defeat?

Your answer will reveal a great deal about you.

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Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Idiot's Delight, Worst Of All