Bicycle People

a poem by
m. boy anderson

bicycle people are so cool
bicycle people are so hip
the way they zip along the sidewalk full-speed
makes life so much better for all of us

bicycle people are great
when you’re walking along loaded down with grocery bags
they play “chicken” with you
pedaling at high velocity toward you
their eyes sunglassed and undetectable
expecting you to leap out of their path
as you walk home
loaded down with groceries

bicycle people know their stuff
if you shout that you are WALKing on the sideWALK
they have attitude and excuses at the ready
how dare you expect them to ride their vehicle in the street like the law states
there are cars there
cars are scary
and drivers hate bicycle people
for some inexplicable reason
not because bicycle people ride like drunken lunatics
and think of no one but themselves
no, it must be something else
some irrational problem drivers have

bicycle people wear helmets
when they feel like it
they decide which laws they follow
any inconvenience is ignored
until they have an accident
in which case
it’s everyone’s fault but theirs
they own a bike
they HAVE to ride
but only in a manner that they see fit

bicycle people are adamant
they HAVE to ride
they crave that hot rigid seat grinding into their perineum
grinding away the shackles that bind them
grinding away the confines of their workaday world
grinding away their fertility
so thankfully the chances are slim
that they will make more
bicycle people

bicycle people stick together
they use their numbers to clog up busy streets
so they can casually chat with one another
about how superior they are
as bicycle people
or talk on their phones
or drag around their bicycle baby
sipping overpriced coffee and imparting bad attitude
then once alone, they return to the safety of the sidewalk
because their needs come before everyone else’s

bicycle people are driven
they know they’re in the right
if they make you nervous, that’s your problem
serves you right for having to walk somewhere
why wouldn’t you just ride a bike?
it’s not like they cost money
and are actually a status symbol
like every other material possession
phones
cars
shoes
a bike seat that doesn’t render you impotent

bicycle people live in fancy apartments
because they have money
they return home all whacked-out from over-exertion
and throw their beloved bike into the main hallway
so that everyone has to carefully step around it
and not knock it over
even though it’s in the way
even though they have to shower immediately
and can’t be bothered to properly stow their bike
you’ll get yelled at if you knock it over
because how dare you touch their precious bicycle
if it was outside and visible
it would get stolen
because apparently a lock has not been invented
that could deter such a crime
how dare you even suggest such a thing
you’re not a bicycle person

bicycle people keep a mental list
of every negative experience, no matter how small
so that they can recite them
whenever challenged on their recklessness
and horrible attitude
“i’m actually extra careful,” they say
“my tire popped once”
“my chain came off once”
“an angry driver ran me off the road once”
as though these are valid reasons
for riding on the sidewalk like a pussy

bicycle people are full of surprises
they barrel out of nowhere
like the proverbial bat out of hell
everything is a bike lane
unless it’s marked as such
or if it’s a street
then fuck it
that’s kid stuff
the sidewalk is just better
so many cafés to roll right up to
so the folks dining outside
get a good whiff of the ball sweat
trapped in your lycra bike shorts
as they enjoy their beignets
and you dismount
like some sort of two-wheeled mutant asshole
gasping
scaring children and small dogs

bicycle people haven’t a care
that they used to be fun
that their chosen mode of recreation used to be accessible
to just about anyone with working legs
but now it’s territorial
aggressive
like a country club for complete assholes
like surfing
just another group of people that only care that they get to do
what they want to do, when they want to do it
and you can get fucked
as far as they’re concerned
they don’t even care
if they look bad
in the eyes of others
like pedestrians
that’s their problem

bicycle people are sensitive
about the handicapped
oh wait; you’re not handicapped?
why are you walking on the sidewalk then?
why wouldn’t you just ride a bicycle?
anyone could purchase a good bike with the money we all have on average
you’re just being obstinate by walking from place to place
you deserve to be knocked to the pavement
with your groceries skittering every which way
on the sidewalk
by some sensitive bicycle person
who just wants to cruise along
at seventeen miles per hour
like it’s the fucking tour de france
with a hydration backpack
because their health
is so much more important
than yours

bicycle people are smart
they know that no matter who they are
no matter what they do
or how many accidents they cause
or how many pedestrians they maim
illegally
there is one thing they will never be:

fat.

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Filed under Bad Influences, Don't Know Don't Care, Idiot's Delight, Worst Of All